Doo Wah Diddy Diddy

It is really cold in my house you guys. Like so cold that I sleep in 2 pair of pants, a long sleeve shirt, a fleece and 2 socks. I also have 5 blankets on my bed and still wake up with a frozen nose each morning. It is so cold that I am seriously considering purchasing one of these to wear under my normal pj’s. I tell you about my cold, chilly, frigid, icy, frosty, glacial, house so that you know why I ventured to Target this past Saturday. Basically I don’t spend time at home unless I am in bed and bundled up so thick that I can’t bend my knees. I got bored of lying in bed watching “Hoarders” on Netflix, so I decided to get into my car and head to some place far enough that I could defrost via seat warmers and then wander aimlessly in a heated building. What place better fits that criteria than Target? While there I purchased, well, nothing of great necessity. I did find this gem:

Sure that is a great color of nail polish in my favorite brand, and yes I have an addiction to eos chapstick, but the real gem I refer to is my newly obtained copy of “My Girl on DVD”. I literally squealed with joy when I saw that on the shelf! And at $5.00 I felt like I was robbing someone, so I hid it under my arm and made a swift run to the checkout stand. What if another thawing patron had seen that priceless artifact under my arm?! Surely they would have used a food product to spray me in the eyes and steal it! That sort of behavior is usually relegated to Walmart patrons, but when it comes to a $5.00 copy of “My Girl”, I don’t want to know what a classy Target patron would be capable of. When I got home I cradled it in my arm and sang “Doo Wah Diddy Diddy” for a solid 20 minutes (Okay, that didn’t happen. Or did it?) and then I reminisced about my fond memories surrounding my favorite movie, ages 6-10. Now I feel I should share a list of these memories. You get an awesome glimpse into the mind of a really “imaginative” (aka super weird) little girl:

// I got a mood ring after seeing this movie. It was pink and I was completely obsessed. It also pretty much almost told me I was in love, which I totes was – with Macaulay Culkin! Don’t worry that I wrote him a love letter once upon a time. My friend Courtney had a book of celebrity fan mail addresses and you can bet JTT got one too!
// I wanted a peasant shirt like Veda’s SO BAD!!!! I didn’t get one until I was 16 and they came back in style. You can bet that my reasoning behind purchasing that peasant top at Abercombie & Fitch was because it reminded me of Veda, 10 years after I was obsessed.
// I desperately wanted to look like/be Anna Chlumsky. For those of you who weren’t creepily obsessed with this movie, that is the actress who played Veda. I did some research and she hasn’t done much in adult years. Bummer.
// Oh how I wanted Macaulay Culkin to be my neighbor/best friend/one true love…but only if he didn’t die while looking for my lost mood ring.
// I can’t even begin to tell you how often I played “My Girl”. Sometimes it was alone in the backyard, other times it was with my friend Courtney and we both had to be Veda (twin sisters, both named Veda) and there were twin Thomases. It got a little complicated but we made it work because that is what best friends do.
// Possibly the strangest “My Girl” play occurred with my water pups. I think that is what they were called. They were these little plastic dogs that were colorful and had terrycloth ears so they could go in the tub. I had this purple one that had a removable yellow hat and my brother had one that was white with blue and red spots. I stole his so it could be Thomas and mine could be Veda. I filled up the sink and re-enacted the water scenes with my water pups. It’s okay to start judging my childhood about now.
// This was the first movie I cried at. It set the stage for every other movie that makes me cry…”A Walk to Remember”….”The Notebook”….”Rabbit Hole”….”Horton Hears a Who”…. “How to Train your Dragon”…
// “My Girl 2” SUUUUUUUUUUUCKED!!! I refused to admit that back then because I was so obsessed and so excited for its release, but it was crazy lame. I never needed Veda to go beyond saying, “Don’t worry, Thomas J will be alright. My mom will take care of him”.


I honestly sort of feel like I owe this blog to “My Girl”. I was in the writing club at my Elementary and was made fun of for it (I think everything listed above explains that I was pretty used to being made fun of though). I stayed in the writing club, which I loved, because Veda was in a poetry class even though it was weird. My advisor, Mrs. Meastas told my mom I was really talented for my age and that I understood writing concepts and styles that most people don’t get until later in life. That encouragement from Mrs. Meastas is the reason I kept writing, love writing and essentially why I keep writing on this blog. Basically what I am saying is that “My Girl” shaped my life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to get a box of tissues and wait for Veda to yell that Thomas J can’t see without his glasses.

Think Fast: Get Ready in 10 minutes or less

Guys, I love LC. I love her so, so, sooooo much! If you don’t know who LC is then you should crawl back under your stupid rock with the people who didn’t see Bridesmaids or who didn’t know who The Situation was. I mean I know that not everyone is obsessed with pop culture like me, but get with the program people! LC = Lauren Conrad, star of my 2 most favorite shows of all time: The Hills and Laguna Beach (seasons 1 &2). I read her website and I am not ashamed of that. Today she posted this little guy on getting ready in 10 minutes. I mean absolutely no disrespect to Ms. Conrad, but I had to laugh because I get ready in 10 minutes on a regular basis and I can promise my “roll out of bed” look does not involve cheek stain or pre-planned emergency outfits. I decided to gift you all with a realistic list of go-to items when you wake up late and have to rush to the office…

1. Cushion your time with clothes. By this I mean grab whatever you first see. It can be hanging in the closet, it can be laying on your floor…heck, it can even be in your laundry basket. If it matches then to hell with anything else! Really my only rule is don’t wear the exact same thing 2 days in a row (the exception to that rule is Sunday to Monday. Anything flies on Monday because Sunday was probably a pretty good outfit and none of your coworkers saw you then anyway). The only cautionary item I would advise on is smell. If you are pulling from a crumpled mess, give her a wiff to see if you are going to reek of B.O. all day. If the answer is yes then pick the next, less smelly option.

2. Use your stash of double duty beauty products. The thing about this is that I barely have my single duty beauty products. Even on a normal work day I don’t really do my makeup. Why on earth would I bother on a morning where I don’t have time? I save the real makeup for the fancy things like going to watch a movie with a cute boy, or going to a party with a cute boy, or going to cuddle with a cute boy…basically what I am saying is if a cute boy isn’t involved then eye shadow isn’t involved either. My suggested emergency beauty routine involves the old clumpy mascara in your purse, some chapstick and maybe, just maybe some foundation applied at stop lights.

3. Know your knots. Wait, there are other hair options besides “greasy-sick-bun” when you’re in a rush? Color me surprised!

4. Eat on the go. This actually happens every morning so just carry on as usual.

5. Arrive with grace. Yeah, I don’t really do that. On a good morning my arriving with grace involves wearing my sunglasses until I get inside and sipping on my DC for a minute while I wake up. The bad mornings mean I am probably not taking those same sunnies off until I get to my desk and I probably have 2 cans of DC in my purse along with a donut. I will probably be a real hag to deal with the rest of the day too! As mentioned above, I will likely be in a semi-smelly outfit that is wrinkled and probably has a stain on it somewhere.

I hope you find these tips helpful!

Wait, who?

You guys, I don’t like Nicki Minaj that much. I just don’t. She was in my face, stalking all of America for a solid 4 months before I even knew why I should know who she was. Everyone was all “Nicki Minaj” this “big ass and crazy hair” that, and I was all, “Huh? Who? Why is that lady wearing a leopard print unitard?”. Seriously, she has to have an awesome PR person because we all knew who she was without knowing why we should know who she was. The media tricked us good on that one! Fast forward to the actual release of her singles and all I can say is, Meh. She’s alright and stuff, but I don’t find talking really fast about your butt or whatever particularly fascinating. I have a big butt and no one talks about it! (at least I hope they don’t! I’ll be super sad and self conscious if I find out you guys all really just talk about the size of my butt behind my back! I KNOW I HAVE A SIZABLE BUTT! IT”S GENETIC AND WILL NEVER GO AWAY NO MATTER HOW THIN I GET!!!!!!)

So my feelings about Ms. Minaj brought me to this video. I am sure you have all encountered it by now as it has been showing up on every social media feed 4 times a day for the past 2 weeks. I have a lot of emotions about this video and they can be summed up in one question:

Should I find this adorable, or should I inform DCFS that there are parents out there who are allowing their young and impressionable daughter to learn every lyric to a Nicki Minaj song?



Guys, I am leaning towards the latter.

You guys, I just have no idea why I'm single...

Backseat Judger

Coming at you live from the mom lady's unnecessarily large SUV, complete with weird smell and stickers on the inside of the windows. We are making the trek to the dreaded Utah county to attend a reception for my nearly under age cousin. As we venture further and further into hell, this was the conversation with my 10 year old brother: 

Sam: "How old is Amy?"
Mom: "She's Geoff's age, so she just turned 20"
Sam: .... 
Me: "Stop right there! I don't want to hear it!"
Sam: (snickering)
Me: "I know what you're thinking back there and just don't say it!"
Sam: "WELL YOU'RE 26 AND YOU'RE STILL NOT MARRIED!!!!!" 

You know you've reached a new level of singlehood when the judgement and frustration seeps down from the grandparents and parents to the children. 

Misguided Suggestions

For your reading pleasure, I present to you my family’s quotes on my dating life (all of which have been said within the past 7 days)…
 
“You look nice in that photo, but maybe you should take it off facebook. It could be scaring potential dates off. They might think he’s your boyfriend” – My Mother, in reference to the above photo where my obviously 16 year old brother looks obviously uncomfortable with being on the receiving end of my hug..
 
“I know what your problem is! You are just looking for the hotties and not for the nice guys!” – My 10 year old brother’s epiphany upon hearing that I wasn’t attracted to a guy I had gone out with.
 
“You know, maybe you should put yourself on KSL or something. It worked for Daren!” – My Grandmother, who is clearly a little confused as to the difference between dating sites and sites where you sell your unwanted crap.

Decoys

Since Entertainment Weekly obviously reads my blog and steals my ideas, I am throwing another one out there in case NBC is looking for a new show. This show will require one key element: Chris Hansen. If you have never seen “To Catch a Predator” then I am sorry that you are the most ignorant person alive and you should just stop reading this right now. Honestly, it is the best show to ever grace network television! My dream job would be to be a decoy on “To Catch a Predator”. Unfortunately, the last few years have begun to weather my face a little and I can no longer pass as a 14 year old…not that I ever could! Thanks to my blasted genetics I have been 5’9” since I was in the 8th grade! There is nothing inticing to a pedophile about a 5’9” woman who has been considering botox in her forehead for the past year!

Back to my show: This is kind of a hybrid show that I have come up with. Basically, I will be pirating the concept behind “To Catch a Predator” and putting it in the blender with “Toddlers and Tiaras”. The show will be titled, “To Catch an Unfit Parent”. NBC will put on toddler beauty pageants, complete with decoy toddlers and decoy stage moms. Cameras follow the parents around under the guise that they will be putting them on a show about those tiny, creepy beauty queens. Then, after the parents have been caught giving their 4 year old diet pills and forcing them to go tanning, the beauty pageant’s MC will disappear to stage left to “go change into a bathing suit” and BAM! Chris Hansen will walk out. He will calmly introduce himself, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen with dateline NBC”. Then he will invite the parents to sit down while he interrogates them about their questionable child rearing skills. After a suitable amount of excuses from the parents, all being disproved with emails in Chris Hansen’s hand, he will allow them to leave the auditorium. Then, once outside, DCFS will appear and tackle the unfit parent to the ground and use those plastic ties to restrain them!

Tell me I am not on to something! All I ask is that when NBC steals my “To Catch an Unfit Parent” idea, they allow me to be a decoy parent. My predator decoy days are behind me, but you can still give me this!

This is getting weird...

You guys, it has now been 2 weeks since I told the world of my desires to catch up with my favorite teen heartthrob and I am now more convinced than ever that Entertainment Weekly answered my call/stole my idea.  Would you believe that they posted an interview with Jonathan Taylor Thomas TODAY on his plans to revive his career?!?!?!?!?!? All I am saying is that they should pay me to be their writer/idea person since I clearly initiated the revival of JTT!  You are welcome world!!  

You're SO Welcome!

You guys, I’m not tooting my own horn here or anything but I am pretty certain that my letter to JTT had something to do with this:


That’s right! Just one week after I begged JTT to come show his pretty face, this photo was released! Apparently Entertainment Weekly is doing a special reunion photo shoot. I am fully taking credit on this one guys. EW can say they had planned this for a while or whatever, but we all know they obvs read my blog and got the idea from me. YOU’RE WELCOME, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY!!

It's Rex Manning Day!!

JK, its not! But bonus points if you can tell me what that's from?
(Hint: The fat man walks alone)

Do you know what day it really is though? UTAH FOOTBALL KICKOFF DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most of you know I have been a die hard Ute fan since I was in the womb, so naturally this is my favorite day of the year! I am manifesting good things for my boys this season, even though I'm really not a huge Jordan Wynn fan (prove me wrong Jordan) and I'm extra nervy about our new conference. Manifesting, you guys. We will have an incredible season! Wynn will go more than 3 games without injuries! We will show the nation what we're made of, just like we did in New Orleans!

GO UTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An open letter to JTT

 
Dear JTT,
 
Why you hidin’ from us? I feel like it isn’t fair for you to spend the 90’s intoxicating all of us with your smile and raspy voice, just to disappear when we need you most. I realize you have made a handful of appearances in TV shows that I don’t watch, but you haven’t really been in my life since “I’ll be home for Christmas” which was released in 1998. That means I haven’t seen an aged version of my childhood love in a solid 13 years and that is just unacceptable!
 
Johnathan, I feel like you don’t understand what you have done in abandoning me and all of the other twenty something girls and gay boys out here. Do you realize that my brother’s middle name is Taylor because I was 10 when he was born and I really, really wanted him to be named after you? He is 16 years old now and has no idea who his middle namesake even is! That, kind sir is a travesty! You plastered my walls as a child and then you just vanish into thin air?! I mean, even Devon Sawa (who I loved much less than you) still graces my celebrity gossip sites occasionally.
 
In closing, pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top, come out of hiding. We need you now more than ever! Maybe you could just attend some fundraiser for AIDS or something. Let us know you’re alive and still handsome. If you are no longer handsome, then please, please stay hidden. I don’t want my memories tarnished with a fatter version of Randy Taylor.
 
With all the love in my heart,
 
Kiki
 

Well Adjusted Adult

How can you tell I am a well adjusted adult? Because upon discovering that an old crush has a new girlfriend my natural reaction was to facebook stalk her and then proceed to show a picture of her to all of the men in my life, including my brothers, to get validation that I was prettier than her. When my 20 year old brother said, “yeah, she’s not that hot” I yelled at him that “not that hot” wasn’t good enough, so he told me I was prettier than her. He was implying the same thing, he just needed to clarify a little.
 
I AM PRETTIER THAN HER YOU GUYS! And you know what? Sometimes a gal needs a little validation, even if it comes from your 6 best guy friends, your uncle and your 3 brothers. This action is in no way a reflection on my level of self esteem.

Cohabitation Nation

As previously mentioned, my life is in a major overhaul phase. I am here to announce the most noteworthy of the life changes. No, I'm not becoming a model as you might have guessed from that breathtaking photo above; I will be transitioning from single condo dweller into cohabitation. Whoa, don’t jump to conclusions there! I did not meet the man of my dreams over the weekend…actually I might have, but that’s a story for another time. The cohabitation that I am referring to is taking up residence in a house with three other girls. The house is real close to where I grew up, it is near my social scene (or lack thereof), and the girls that live there are awesome! I am really, really excited to have people to talk to other than Bob (Bob meaning the Bob Dylan painting on my wall…yes, I have been known to address him whilst living alone). The big move happens September 1st and I feel so great about it! I have been trying to sort out my living situation for a while and everything just fell into place with this house. I feel like that is when things are really right – when you don’t have to force them. I need someone to remind me that I said that the next time I am dating some dude who is being a jerk. You guys got my back on that one? Cool, thanks.
 
So yes, cohabitation nation is headed my way in just over a week. As excited as I am, I know I am going to have to make some adjustments to my lifestyle (noted by how often I talk about spending time pantsless). Now I present you with the things I am going to have to change/will miss from being in cohabitation…
 
// All of my pantsless time will be now relegated to my room; no more walking to the kitchen pantsless to get my bowl of ice cream
 
// I am going to need to invest in a robe as I am certain that my naked trips from the bathroom to the bedroom will no longer fly
 
// The amount of time I spend sitting in the bathroom sink picking at my face will need to be limited
 
// It probably won’t be appropriate for me to randomly burst into song anymore
 
// I am going to have to start shutting the bathroom door while I go to the bathroom
 
// No. more. shoe closet. I have literally no idea where I am going to house all of my pretties
 
// My loud, obnoxious laugh might have to be muffled while I watch Happy Endings to avoid judgment from the other rooms
 
// I might need to change my eating habits. If these girls knew how obsessed I am with corndogs and cup of noodles right now, they might not want me living there.
 
// My impromptu dance parties will be less elaborate and more just shaking it in my room while my head phones are on.
 
// I won’t be able to make excuses about things I have to do so that I can lay around pantsless. They will know I am just in my room, and if my door is closed they will be correctly assuming that I am pantsless
 
// I am going to need to find some awesome sweats or something to makeup for the fact that I will have to wear pants 90% of my time at home
 
 
 
Hooray for cohabitation!!!


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Homegirl on a budget

I am going through a serious, awesome, eventful life transformation right now. More details are coming, but step one was to take time to sit down and figure out what really, truly makes me happy. My first thought on the path to enlightenment was about my natural reaction to a bad day – to buy something. Case in point: I have 2 pair of designer sunglasses in my bag as I type this (and probably 6 other pairs at home. You can never have too many sunnies!). The Ralph Lauren pair is from a fight I had with this douche bag I was dating. The Marc Jacobs pair is because I felt sad that I wasn’t the skinniest girl at the pool one day. Let it be known that I also have a pair of hot pink Guess pumps, some peace sign earrings, and like 3 pair of Hudson jeans as a result of fights with that same douche bag. Did those clothing items really change how that DB made me feel? Nope, but telling him to suck it and standing up for myself would have! That was a rough year and there are clearly some deep-rooted issues brewing in my thought process, so I am starting to remedy that by putting myself on a budget. I have budgeted for everything from gas to groceries to entertainment. My food budget has brought me to the edge…
 
 
This, my friends is the pinnacle of my poor, single girl life. I hope you will keep reading my blog even after you have seen that I live off of freeze-dried, white trash foods.
 

Summer Girls

I would like to start off by saying that I have a serious soft spot for Abercrombie & Fitch. The first time I heard Rich Cronin of LFO (may he rest in peace) sing that he liked girls that wore Abercrombie & Fitch, I knew I had to have it; I had to be that girl! Shortly after that song became my fave, a store opened in Provo and I took all my hard earned babysitting money and bought 2 shirts. I could not have been more proud of those two clearance rack shirts! My love affair with Abercrombie & Fitch continued well into college when my bestie was a manager for one of their stores. I took advantage of that discount and surrounded myself with the best friends/staff members that Abercrombie had to offer. Basically, Abercrombie & Fitch played a very important, superficial role in my life, but then I grew up. When I was 7 I realized my imaginary friend was ridiculous and when I was 21 I realized that Abercrombie & Fitch was even more ridiculous.   
 
Why the history on my relationship with Abercrombie & Fitch? Well, they have recently made the news with something more ridiculous then what they charge for the ½ yard of fabric that they call a skirt…they have actually offered to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing their clothes because they are concerned that he might tarnish their brand. For those of you who have been living in a remote village in the Andes for the past 2 years (or under a stupid rock), The Situation is a gentleman of Italian decent that has become popular as a result of a television show that airs on Music Television, “The Jersey Shore”. This show follows 7 individuals, or guidos and guidettes as they prefer to be called, as they live their slutty, alcohol infused lives. It is absolute gold (if gold is trash) and you should definitely watch it (if you love trash like I do).
 
 So Abercrombie & Fitch, You are concerned about The Situation tarnishing your brand? That is the thing that crosses the line for you? Interesting. Where was that concern when you started making lacy thongs and padded bikinis for 6 year old girls? Or when you started creating your own moose-shaped hole in the ozone layer by spraying “Fierce” in your stores every 30 minutes (that is a fact)? And let’s not forget about all of those pesky discrimination lawsuits. I have it on good authority that managers were trained to essentially discriminate against other races as they recruited. They also make the heavier or less attractive staff work in the back stocking. I am just skimming the surface of things that Abercrombie & Fitch has done to tarnish their own brand. Furthermore, the company has been bleeding money for the past several years and has had to do layoffs all over the place, but they can afford to pay The Situation to stop wearing their clothes? Your stores smell like a guido, 90% your staff looks like guidos, and I’m sure guidos are the only ones down with putting their 6 year olds in thongs. Maybe you guys should just get over yourselves, recognize the fact that you have become the joke of the fashion world and accept that guidos are the only ones left shopping at your stores. Embrace the free marketing that The Situation is giving you! Idiots…
 

Me Time

Three times in the past week I have lied about being busy so that I could lay in my bed pantsless, eating ice cream and watching TV. It's becoming an issue you guys.


Don't worry though, I've started biking places. Hopefully the biking counteracts the ice cream in bed thing. I also wear pants when I bike, so I have that going for me too. 

Note to the reader: I also don't look sad like the girl in the picture. I'm actually quite happy while I'm eating my ice cream in bed.

Mob Wives

You guys obvs know I like funny things, but you might not know that I have a total girl crush on Sophia Bush. You also might not know that I live and breathe for trashy reality TV...


Behold! The ultimate trifecta:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4fc0d632b5/mob-wives-with-sophia-bush-drea-de-matteo

The ol' hike n' dance

Dear father and son that encountered me on my hike up millcreek,
 
I would like to formally apologize for what you walked up on last night. You see, I had some endorphins pumping through my system having recently reached a very nice overlook of the Salt Lake Valley. I had also just changed my ipod over to Ellie Goulding. If you are familiar with Ellie Goulding then you understand that her music is impossible to not dance to. The aforementioned factors explain why, on the downhill portion of my hike, I was doing a little half hike/half dance down. If it is any consolation, I assure you that moment was as awkward for me as it was for you. Please accept my apology and do not let that event deter you from that hike again. It really is a lovely hike.
 
Sincerely,
Kirsten aka the weird girl you saw dancing on her hike up Millcreek canyon

Ahhh! The single life...

I know most of you that read my blog are murried and I don’t mean to make ya’ll jelly or anything, but there are some serious perks to the single life! I mean, sure I have to deal with the crippling insecurities that come with casual dating, but there are a few perks too. I use the term “casual dating” loosely as I truly believe it is the most ironic of all oxy morons. There is absolutely nothing casual about the dating world, ever! Take it from someone who regularly spends hours getting ready just to go eat a snow cone and pretend to care about some dude’s intramural softball team, the Blue Balls. I don’t care and I don’t think your team name is clever. It’s just gross and immature. Oh, and the “casual” t-shirt and jeans combo generally takes about 45 minutes and several changes to pick out. What part of that sounds casual you guys? I beg of you to tell me! People who say that casual dating is fun are lying to you. Get real! But I digress….
 
Back to the perks….there are some! It donned on me last weekend when I decided to spend my Saturday night doing laundry, eating takeout and watching “From Prada to Nada”, that there are some perks to not having anyone else around. That night was one of them. It was pretty awesome to do nothing and watch a bad movie while eating delicious food. It got me thinking about other perks….
 
// I can put egg whites on my face as a mask to get rid of my zits and no one has to know...except you guys now.  
// I have a shoe closet! A closet just for shoes! It’s like opening the door to nirvana every morning and I don’t have to share that space with anyone!
// I get to eat dinner in my bed pretty much every night.
// I can consume 4 cans of diet coke in one hour and no one tells me I’m an addict or that it is disgusting…It’s not and I’m not, you guys!
// I get to have impromptu dance parties in my room as often as I like!
// I can opt to drink out of a mason jar just because I like to, and no one questions me…I don’t use none of them fancy glasses unless company is over!
// I can tell someone I have to get home to do some housework when really I am going home to lay in bed with my pants off.
// I get to let my really loud, obnoxious laugh ring through the air while I watch “Happy Endings”…sans pants and sans shame.
// I can hold off on texting a guy back because I want to seem busy…allow me to reiterate that this is done on a night when I’ve spent the evening laying around pantsless.
// I get to come home on a hot afternoon, take my pants off and eat ice cream while I pray for cooler weather.
// I don’t have to wear pants around the house, like, ever!
 
Are you guys totes jelly of my life? You should be!

Good Quote by an Amazing Man

"It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out." 
— C.S. Lewis (The Screwtape Letters)

Saturday is a special day...it's the day I go to the pool!

I belong at the pool. I live for Saturday afternoons at Stiener's. Today, I bring you my never-shared-before, thoughts from the pool:

- Would it be totally weird of me to ask the stranger to trade magazines with me when she's done?
- Oh good! The lunatic fringe crew is here (in reference to the tatted hipsters all in black with wayfarers on as they arrive at the pool...it's 95 out here. You can take the black off, you tools!)
- I want a soft pretzel, but I don't want to bloat (my vanity overcame my craving)
- Pretty sure its not okay for a married dude to be alone at the pool, sitting next to the single girls, eyeing us through his oakleys...we know you're doing it. They aren't that dark.
- So...very....sweaty!
- Holy crap! That girl is in sweat pants! You could not pay me to be in sweat pants right now! 
- I want ice cream.
- I need a nap (and I then accidentally took one)
- Stephen Coletti is such a fool! Who breaks up with LC AND Kristin Cavalleri?!
- Kyle Howard is an even bigger fool! Breaking up with LC because he wants to be the next Di Niro? Who picks Di Niro as their inspiration? And no one knows who you are!
- Gross! Pool of sweat in my belly button. Eeeeeeew! 
- Too...freaking...hot....must...leave...

And there you have it. My day at the pool ladies and gents. 

Best. Weeks. Ever.

Great things are happening y'all! I won't go into giddy details, but the last two weeks have been absolutely tops! (I'm trying to incorporate british words into my vocab again...but I won't add u's to words. I hate favourite colours!) so many people have made my weeks grand but I'm just going to stick with the highlights: 

First of all, Taking Back Sunday put on one of the best shows I've ever seen! For the record, I did not let their music talk me into anything. I couldn't hear until 1pm the next day, I haven't sweat that much in years and the little girls in front of us didn't know what a keytar was...but that show was incredible and the company was too! (you can't tell but Adam was crazy close to us here)


Next, on Friday one of my oldest friends got married! It was a lovely dinner with lovely dancing and lovely friends. Congrats to Sars and Arni-Elei! I love you guys! 


Now the most exciting news of all! Notice how Amanda is on the verge of popping in the above picture? Well she did! Baby boi was born about a month early but he was healthy and adorbs!! I loved snuggling him at the hospital and I can't wait to snuggle him for years to come! I love you Amanda, B and Baby B! I am soooo lucky to know you guys!

Summer School

Alright class, its time for a pop quiz! It’s a multiple choice and the answers will be given at the end of this blog entry. You have 4 minutes to complete this quiz and no notes or calculators may be used. Your time begins NOW!
 
 
1.  Do you know who is awesome?

A. Oprah
B. Serena Williams
C. Nickelback
D. Taking Back Sunday
 
2. In college I once made the decision to kiss a frat boy based on the lyrics to which song:

A. “A decade under the influence” – TBS (Anyone will do tonight. Close your eyes just settle)
B. “We belong together” – Mariah Carey (Come back, baby because we belong together)
C. “Bubbly” – Colbie Caillet (You make me smile. Please stay for a while now)
D. “Figured you out” – Nickelback (Now I know who you are. It wasn’t that hard. To figure you out)
 
3. What concert am I going to tonight?

A. Nickelback
B. Taking Back Sunday
C. Yo Gabba Gabba
D. Manhiem Steamroller
 
4. Will I make the same decision I made 7 years ago, tonight (refer to question 2)?

A. Absolutely! You never learn from your mistakes.
B. No Way! You have way too much self respect now.
C. There’s a pretty good chance. It wasn’t really that poor of a decision.
D. Only time will tell…but you certainly can’t rule anything out.
 
Times up! Put your pens down. I will now give you the correct answers:
 
1. D. Taking Back Sunday. If you answered Nickelback, I get to kick you swiftly in the face.
2. A. A Decade Under the Influence. Those lyrics literally went through my head. Bummer for him if he reads this blog and finds out that I did that. Sorry, man. I was in a really weird place in life. Also, if you answered Nickelback to that one, I get to kick you in the face until you bleed.
3. B. Taking Back Sunday. I am so stoked!! I mean, I once allowed them to talk me into kissing someone. Obvs I am a big fan! Again, if Nickelback was your answer, I am no longer your friend. Facebook deleted and everything!
4. D. Only time will tell….but I certainly can’t rule anything out. A lady never kisses and tells so I would never post about that on here…unless you are the aforementioned frat boy (sorry again!) so if you want to know, you will just have to text me tomorrow to find out!
 
 
 

It's a sales job

I was out late on Saturday…late for me meaning past 11:00pm. I wasn’t even out for one of the 2 good reasons to stay up past midnight, but that is beside the point. I guess my late night must have made things a little wonky because at some point around 1:30ish, I actually thought it relevant to google, “annual income for a stripper”. Dead serious guys. I don’t remember why I was looking that up and I swear I wasn’t on anything, but I just needed to know in that moment how much money strippers make.  I learned that it can be upwards of $300K if you’re good at your stripping ways and stay off the drugs. But this little paragraph is what really caught my eye:

 
 
It’s a sales job guys, not a dancing job, so go to school so you can make sure you know how to best use your daddy issues to get the most tips. Dolla, dolla bill ya’ll!
 
P.S. It was apparently at 1:22 am. Thanks, iPhone for documenting my momentary lapse in judgment.
 
P.P.S. I was home alone in bed, watching TV when I felt the need to look this up so I really just have no solid explanation for why I felt this information was pertinent.
 
P.P.P.S. If you are curious as to what the 2 good reasons to stay up past midnight are, just shoot me a text and I will elaborate.   

Its called civil rights. This is the 90's.

Remember that time that I gave up on my grateful-off? Yeah, I do too. I kind of knew I would, but it was a good try. Life just gets real busy ya’ll!
 
So what have I been so busy doing for the past week? Oh, just seeing the movie Bridesmaids THREE times. I am super proud of it too! For some reason I think that seeing the same funny movie 3 times in a 6 day period makes me far superior to those who have only seen it once or twice. Really it probably makes me pathetic, but I am sticking with my plan to feel superior. If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading this NOW and get yourself to the next showing. Seriously, go NOW!

 

 
I trust if you are still reading this that you have already seen the movie, because if you didn’t do as I said above I am not really sure why you even bother reading my blog. Clearly you don’t really care about me as a person if you disregard such sage advice. Seriously though – SO FUNNY!!! I laughed harder than I did in The Hangover! I had tears running down my face at some points. Oh, and I am pretty sure I am Annie. I think that’s something I should feel sad about, but she is funny so I will take that as a compliment from myself.
 
Thank you, Kirsten. That is really nice of you to compare me to the character of Annie. I like her!
 
You’re so welcome, Kirsten! You are SOOOOOO funny! No wonder all of these people read your blog.
 
Oh, Kirsten! You’re too kind.
 
It appears my funk has ended since I am now complimenting myself constantly. Funk ended, but sanity now questionable. Who cares! The greatful-off was a success! That is really why I gave up on it. Yeah, it was the success that made me stop doing it. It had nothing to do with laziness or me being a goal-quitter, obviously.  

These Guys

My dear friend Sharon who taught me so much about listening and following your heart
Early morning workouts
Flip-flops
(500) Days of Summer
These guys:

Happy Endings

Have you guys been watching the new show Happy Endings? No? Oh, that’s right…I am one of like 4 people who love that show. But I do love it and I want you all to go check it out and love it too so that it doesn’t get taken away from me! It’s all I have! Please!?!
 
Moving on… Basically, Happy Endings is a newer version of Friends. It’s great because I am now old enough to relate to and appreciate the situations the characters get in to, unlike when I was 14 and watching Friends (no disrespect intended). So I was watching Happy Endings the other day when my 16 year old brother walked in and it turns out that he is also 1 of the 4 people that loves it. We began a discussion of its hilarity and our favorite characters and I told him that I was concerned that I am Penny, the funny yet neurotic one. I was hoping he would disagree, but he quickly changed the subject. They learn young how to get out of a lady-trap. This all brings me to today. Happy Endings is on tonight (YAY!) so I was thinking about that conversation and his lack of answer. Behold the conversation I had with my brother via text:
 
Me: I’m Penny, aren’t I?
Austin: Yes
 
Just like that! No cushion to the blow, no “but she’s the funniest” or anything; just a resounding confirmation that I am indeed the neurotic one. Allow me to give you Wikipedia’s character description of Penny Hartz:
“The group’s desperate and single friend who constantly worries that she’ll never find the right guy”
 
Umm, yeah. My brother said that about me. I’m not desperate, right? What’s that? My begging you to watch this show so that it’s not taken away from me because it’s all I have, came off as desperate? Well this is awkward then.
 
 
Let’s just move on to my gratitude list for today and ignore my desperation and obsession over finding the right man:
 
The show Happy Endings (obvs)
My new salad holder
Goosey (aka my brother Austin)
The awful waitress I had last night who provided me with weeks of jokes
Pretzels
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I heart Andrew McMahon

Andrew McMahon and his musical genius 
Short work days
Ranch dressing
Friends that text you all day while you're bored at a symposium
The tools I have to help get me through discouraging times

I am insanely tired and still posting.

Dash fitness studio
Pickles
Gel nails 
Babies
My bed

Dia De La Madres

My mom
My Gma
My aunts
My friends moms' who have always been wonderful mothers to me!
My friends that have mothers for being my friends

Much love to all the mothers out there.

Did you notice how nice it was outside today?

Sales at JCrew
Nights in the park
Flowers
Walks in the park
Sleeping in

Day too

College…specifically the University of Utah
My sense of humor
Words with Friends (if you haven’t checked out that app, do it.)
My camelback water bottle
The Temple
 
I was only like 3/5th materialistic today. We are making progress.
 

Grateful-off!

I'm just going to cut to the chase on this one: I have been in an epic funk lately. There have been a lot of changes in my life and I am kind of hating on lots of things right now. Not that any of these changes are terrible, but I just don’t care too much for them and it has put me in a pretty sour mood. I have a fear that if I don’t stop this funk, it could turn me into that bitter, negative girl that people start avoiding because she is constantly in a bad mood. Then I'll stop trying and start gaining weight at rapid speeds and I'll buy 4 cats. I hate cats and I have a phobia of getting fat, so I just can’t allow this. In an attempt to keep my spirits high and my gloominess at bay, I have decided to challenge myself to a grateful-off!
 
Starting today I will be posting 5 things that I am grateful for on a daily basis. They will be in no particular order (obvs) and they will be new every day. I will keep this up until the end of May (or until I give up on my own challenge. I am not a very good goal-finisher. Stop it, Kirsten! You are being positive now!).
 
Today I am grateful for:
 
The sun shining outside
My iPhone
Diet Coke
JCrew Cardigans
My AppleTV
 
 
Okay, so I am starting off pretty shallow. I think we established that I am grumpy so it might take me some time to warm up to the bigger picture. Or maybe I will prove myself to be the most shallow, materialistic girl you’ve ever encountered. We’ll see…
 

Once upon a time I had this Great Grandma that lived in this quaint house on 9th east. She had coloring books under her sofa and fig newtons in her fridge. She also performed Indian rain dances upon occasion. When I was 5ish, the alzheimers got the best of her so we moved her to a home in Canada. She lived up there for another 8ish years and sang dirty limericks up until her death. It was awesome…the limericks, not her death. That was sad. But she also started me on my salt and pepper shaker collection.
 
The current members of the family:
 
 

When she moved from the quaint house on 9th east, she bestowed upon me some ceramic salt and pepper shakers. There were several sets, but the one I remember is a kangaroo and her baby. Kangaroos were and still are my favorite animal so I loved those ones! Obviously a 5 year old is not to be trusted with ceramic things, so who knows what became of them. The problem is, I want the kanga and roo salt and pepper shakers. Bad. If there was a salt and pepper shaker stalker, it would be me. I spend a lot of time online looking for a match. I have found many similar ones, but they do not match the image engraved in my mind’s eye. I once found the exact set, but they were all chipped and kanga was missing an ear. Another time I found a perfect match on etsy and said I’d be back later to buy it. I was too late.
 
Please, help me find these salt and pepper shakers. They are the founding members of my collection and they belong with their family. Your help is appreciated.
 
 
 
On a side note: My friend Ryan told me that my salt and pepper shaker collection might be scaring men off. My other friend Ryan told me my collection "made him sad for me". I am guessing this blog post isn’t going to help either.
 
 
 

Babes

Amanda aka Panti is with child



That means a baby shower! Notice the baby in this photo. Jane aka Jems used to be with child and little Eliza Jane is the adorable result of that.



I love my bestie's and I love their offspring just as much!

Ode to Old People

These are my Grandparents.




1 wedding, 5 kids, 5 grandkids and a massive heart attack later, they are celebrating their 50th anniversary. There are a million reasons why I love both of them, but on this special occasion I would like to list a few:

Grandpa:
He instilled in me a love for all things University of Utah. That may seem silly to most, but it is something I am passionate about and that I love to share with him. Some of my fondest/earliest memories with my Grandpa involve football or basketball games at the U. I specifically remember the football game where it rained the whole time and I was in nothing but red biker shorts and an oversized Utah T-shirt (it was the early 90’s, okay?). Being a 7ish year old girl I was really bored for most of the game. It was crappy weather and we weren’t any good back then, but we stayed the whole entire game. I don’t recall the score or who it was against, but I know we ended up coming back and winning in the last minutes. I remember being there with just grandpa and standing on my seat next to him, both of us screaming and cheering for our team. I remember feeling so excited that they won and I am pretty sure that day is when I truly became a diehard U of U fan. Grandpa is a man of few words most of the time, but you know he loves you from the little things; helping you with school, giving you a treat and an accompanying hand-written note every Valentine’s day, buying Buzz (now the Bees) season tickets when you went through your baseball phase, and the list goes on and on. He will never ask for a hug, but when you are 26 and still give him one as you leave his face lights up every single time. He has one of the most contagious smiles you have ever seen. Also, his name is Melvin Eugene. Come on, that is awesome!

Grandma:
She is one of the physically strongest ladies you will ever meet. I like to think that is due in part to the fact that she grew up on an Indian reservation in Canada. That is pretty hard core. We constantly have to stop her from doing things that her old body can’t keep up with such as carrying in 20 lbs bags of rock salt or doing manual labor up at the cabin. She is way more motivated at 76 than I am at 26. I always loved school shopping with my Grandma every fall. She made sure we kept up with the latest fashions and you can blame her introducing me to JCrew. I also might get my off colored sense of humor from her. This may come as a surprise to anyone who knows her, but she can crack a dirty joke right along with the rest of us, which is even funnier coming from a sweet old lady. I love that she “went with” a majority of the men around her age in Cardston when she was young. It may be a small town, but go Grandma! She also held the record for most points scored in a Girl’s Basket Ball game at her High School (she may still hold that title, I haven’t checked my Cardston High School stats in the last 10 years). I love that she met my Grandpa while he was holding the drinking fountain for her, and that she thought he was pompous because she was an engaged woman; I love even more that she broke off that engagement and mailed the ring back to that poor sucker. To recap, she dated a majority of the town of Cardston and called off an engagement by mailing the ring back. Grandma had game (a trait I clearly did not inherit from her).

Both of these incredible people have made me the awesome girl that I am today, and to that I thank them!

March 31, 1985

I once asked my hot high school biology teacher (skyline alums know exactly who I’m speaking of) when aging stopped being a good thing. Without batting a hot eyelash he said 26. His rationale made sense; 25 is the last time there is a perk to aging. You get the ability to rent a car and insurance rates go down, so that pretty much puts and end to things of that nature. He also told me that after 25 my body would start to ache for no good reason (check!), I would be tired all the time (double check!) and there would be nothing left to look forward to. Deyle was always a downer so I hope the last part isn’t true, but thus far he’s 2-1!

Well kiddos, tomorrow marks the start of my downhill slope. It’s no longer fun for me to age. Maybe someone will gift me some Tory Burch flats to ease the pain. They’re probably better for my knees than those heels anyhow.
5 hours ago

You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape the office windows!

If I could travel back to the 9th grade and talk to 15 year old Kirsten, I would tell her one thing:
 
“When you’re 25 years old, you will have a job that will allow you to listen to boy bands for 8 hours a day.”
 
Holy cow! Can you imagine how excited that would have made me? It would have made all of those awkward/traumatic teen years so much more bearable!
 
“What’s that Erin [last name omitted]? You think I’m a loser because I have never kissed a boy? Well I don’t care what you think because when I grow up I will get to listen to NSYNC and Backstreet Boys all day long while you will be working at Walmart, married to some sick white trash guy who wears affliction all the time because you peaked in high school!”
 
(sidenote: Teenage Kirsten knew about affliction because I would also warn her about that fashion nightmare)
 
(sidenote #2: I don’t know where Erin [last name omitted] really is these days, but I assume I am fairly accurate on that…at least I truly hope that I am…)
 
And that is what I do ladies and gents. I have created a Backstreet Boys station and Pandora and I listen to the best of the mid to late 90’s all day at work. Everything from 98 degrees to Mariah Carey dazzles my ear drums while I process payroll. It. Is. Glorious! The downside is that I might have just experienced the downside of tapping into my teen years. Today at work I was standing at my desk dancing to “Escape” by Enrique Iglesias. I suddenly realized that my office blinds were open and that the stylists at the salon next door could see directly into my office windows. They could see me and they did. I stopped my dancing, sat back down in my wheelie chair and got back to payroll. At least Erin [last name omitted] doesn’t work at the salon next door.
 
 
 
 

Benny & The Nighty-Q

Last night I mixed bennys & nighty-Q and lived to tell the tale! For those of you who are not hip to my OTC drug names:

Bennys= Benadryl 
Nighty-Q= nyquil 

I need you all to just calm down! Before you judge just listen to my reasoning! I have this date tonight and I have had this awful cough for the last 10ish days. I cant be hacking up a lung on a date, so obviously I needed nighty-q. Then last night I was at dinner with Mary and Amanda. We got this delicious dessert called chocolate decadence. 2 bites into it I remembered that I'm allergic to chocolate. Not to say I forget my allergies, but I'm usually fine unless its super rich or dark. Chocolate decadence sounds rich and I wasn't about to take any chances! I spun into panic mode and started freaking out that I might get hives. I took the bennys as preventative measure. I mean obviously it was totally necessary. 

Before you start calling me mean druggy names, I want to assure you that I consulted google before mixing them and google said it "could be done but was not advisable" See, that means it's totally fine! 

The best part of my OTC cocktail was the text I got from Amanda this morning: "Please bless that you are still alive after your many mixes and also that you are hive free!"

Awwww! She's such a sweet friend to be concerned! Indeed I am hive free and still breathing. Not advisable? What does that really even mean? I mean, I have done plenty of things against the advice of others and I'm fine! 

Wish me luck on the date! 

The Worst "Movie" Ever Made

I would like to ask you all to participate  in this little activity with me. First, close your eyes (metaphorically because you couldn't read this if you actually closed your eyes). Now think back into your mind's eye to recall the worst movie you've ever seen. I am guessing it's some awfully un-funny comedy or perhaps a poorly made chick flick. Maybe if you saw "the hills have eyes" you're thinking of that movie, because that's where my mind would have gone before last night...Now I want you to take that movie and imagine watching it 6 times in a row while you are tied to a chair and can't go to the restroom. I can promise I would still have rather done that than to see the movie I saw last night. 
I legitimately saw the worst movie ever made last night. To call it a movie is generous. It's called "The Oregonian" and I can't even begin to tell you what it was about, if it had a point or storyline, or why I stayed to the end. Basically it was a series of incredibly disturbing images with very little talking and random flashes of even more disturbing images. I refused to clap at the end. The film maker and star were sitting behind us and I made no secret to my thoughts on the film. We also walked out of the Q&A. That wad based on some dreams you've had and influence by country music, Calvin Reeder? Well if that's true, I don't know what stations you're listening to and I feel you should seek intense psychiatric help. It's about stories, Calvin Reeder? Well please explain what the story was in that! Was it a story about a giant green monster performing lewd acts randomly? Or people who drink gasoline daqueries? Please enlighten me! 

  Bottom line: I don't know what happened to me in that "movie". I say it happened to me because it did happen to me. It was some sadistic form of abuse that I endured and will likely ignite some PTSD in me. I doubt this "movie" will ever see the light of day past Sundance so it probably won't be able to get you. Thank your lucky stars!

You got me real good this year, Sundance! Funny joke you trickster!