An Open Letter to Justin Randall Timberlake

Dear JT,

 

Let’s talk. I am outraged by your selfishness and the complete disregard for my feelings that you continue to display year after year. The young Tennessee native with ramen noodle hair that I loved would never be so egotistical as to believe he was too good for the boy band that made him. I am happy for the success you have found in your solo career, clothing line, etc. but I need you now. America needs you now! This is an election year so things are tense. The economy continues to struggle and unemployment continues to be an issue as our nation’s debt raises to terrifying highs. I firmly believe that an N*SYNC reunion tour is the thing we need to calm the troubled seas of this nation. You, Justin Timberlake, are the one preventing peace.

 

You think you’re too busy or too good for a reunion tour? Get over yourself! If you have time to be in a movie about Facebook, you certainly have time to frost the tips of your hair and put on some matching clothes for a reunion tour. And marionette strings can’t possibly be beneath you when you are running around putting your dick in a box. I just don’t understand what your problem is and why you think you’re so cool. Do you think the other guys are too busy? No! They would all jump at the opportunity to step back into the spotlight in their fleece vests! Are you aware that N*SYNC is the last of the pertinent boy bands to reunite in their entirety? The Backstreet Boys even got Kevin back! Original lineup, sir! NKOTB? Original lineup. 98 degrees? Original lineup. Boys II Men? Original lineup. LFO would be the original lineup had our dear Rich Cronin not left this earth too soon, may he rest in peace. What if that happened, huh? What if Kris were to pass on to the other side, God forbid? How would you feel then?! Would you be proud of your perfume ventures, or would you wish you had spent more time on a tour bus with the men you love most? Stop being such a self-centered ass and think about them, me, and our country for a sec, would you?

 

In closing, I would like to humbly ask that you think of someone other than yourself for just one minute, and ask if you really want to be the reason that the USA becomes obsolete. If you can live with yourself knowing that fact, then please carry on with your marriage to Jessica Biel. I hope you have many, many years of SNL skits ahead of you when the communists take over our airwaves and JC gets pancreatic cancer.

Sincerely,

Me