You guys, I just have no idea why I'm single...

Backseat Judger

Coming at you live from the mom lady's unnecessarily large SUV, complete with weird smell and stickers on the inside of the windows. We are making the trek to the dreaded Utah county to attend a reception for my nearly under age cousin. As we venture further and further into hell, this was the conversation with my 10 year old brother: 

Sam: "How old is Amy?"
Mom: "She's Geoff's age, so she just turned 20"
Sam: .... 
Me: "Stop right there! I don't want to hear it!"
Sam: (snickering)
Me: "I know what you're thinking back there and just don't say it!"
Sam: "WELL YOU'RE 26 AND YOU'RE STILL NOT MARRIED!!!!!" 

You know you've reached a new level of singlehood when the judgement and frustration seeps down from the grandparents and parents to the children. 

Misguided Suggestions

For your reading pleasure, I present to you my family’s quotes on my dating life (all of which have been said within the past 7 days)…
 
“You look nice in that photo, but maybe you should take it off facebook. It could be scaring potential dates off. They might think he’s your boyfriend” – My Mother, in reference to the above photo where my obviously 16 year old brother looks obviously uncomfortable with being on the receiving end of my hug..
 
“I know what your problem is! You are just looking for the hotties and not for the nice guys!” – My 10 year old brother’s epiphany upon hearing that I wasn’t attracted to a guy I had gone out with.
 
“You know, maybe you should put yourself on KSL or something. It worked for Daren!” – My Grandmother, who is clearly a little confused as to the difference between dating sites and sites where you sell your unwanted crap.

Decoys

Since Entertainment Weekly obviously reads my blog and steals my ideas, I am throwing another one out there in case NBC is looking for a new show. This show will require one key element: Chris Hansen. If you have never seen “To Catch a Predator” then I am sorry that you are the most ignorant person alive and you should just stop reading this right now. Honestly, it is the best show to ever grace network television! My dream job would be to be a decoy on “To Catch a Predator”. Unfortunately, the last few years have begun to weather my face a little and I can no longer pass as a 14 year old…not that I ever could! Thanks to my blasted genetics I have been 5’9” since I was in the 8th grade! There is nothing inticing to a pedophile about a 5’9” woman who has been considering botox in her forehead for the past year!

Back to my show: This is kind of a hybrid show that I have come up with. Basically, I will be pirating the concept behind “To Catch a Predator” and putting it in the blender with “Toddlers and Tiaras”. The show will be titled, “To Catch an Unfit Parent”. NBC will put on toddler beauty pageants, complete with decoy toddlers and decoy stage moms. Cameras follow the parents around under the guise that they will be putting them on a show about those tiny, creepy beauty queens. Then, after the parents have been caught giving their 4 year old diet pills and forcing them to go tanning, the beauty pageant’s MC will disappear to stage left to “go change into a bathing suit” and BAM! Chris Hansen will walk out. He will calmly introduce himself, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen with dateline NBC”. Then he will invite the parents to sit down while he interrogates them about their questionable child rearing skills. After a suitable amount of excuses from the parents, all being disproved with emails in Chris Hansen’s hand, he will allow them to leave the auditorium. Then, once outside, DCFS will appear and tackle the unfit parent to the ground and use those plastic ties to restrain them!

Tell me I am not on to something! All I ask is that when NBC steals my “To Catch an Unfit Parent” idea, they allow me to be a decoy parent. My predator decoy days are behind me, but you can still give me this!

This is getting weird...

You guys, it has now been 2 weeks since I told the world of my desires to catch up with my favorite teen heartthrob and I am now more convinced than ever that Entertainment Weekly answered my call/stole my idea.  Would you believe that they posted an interview with Jonathan Taylor Thomas TODAY on his plans to revive his career?!?!?!?!?!? All I am saying is that they should pay me to be their writer/idea person since I clearly initiated the revival of JTT!  You are welcome world!!  

You're SO Welcome!

You guys, I’m not tooting my own horn here or anything but I am pretty certain that my letter to JTT had something to do with this:


That’s right! Just one week after I begged JTT to come show his pretty face, this photo was released! Apparently Entertainment Weekly is doing a special reunion photo shoot. I am fully taking credit on this one guys. EW can say they had planned this for a while or whatever, but we all know they obvs read my blog and got the idea from me. YOU’RE WELCOME, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY!!

It's Rex Manning Day!!

JK, its not! But bonus points if you can tell me what that's from?
(Hint: The fat man walks alone)

Do you know what day it really is though? UTAH FOOTBALL KICKOFF DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most of you know I have been a die hard Ute fan since I was in the womb, so naturally this is my favorite day of the year! I am manifesting good things for my boys this season, even though I'm really not a huge Jordan Wynn fan (prove me wrong Jordan) and I'm extra nervy about our new conference. Manifesting, you guys. We will have an incredible season! Wynn will go more than 3 games without injuries! We will show the nation what we're made of, just like we did in New Orleans!

GO UTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!