An open letter to JTT

 
Dear JTT,
 
Why you hidin’ from us? I feel like it isn’t fair for you to spend the 90’s intoxicating all of us with your smile and raspy voice, just to disappear when we need you most. I realize you have made a handful of appearances in TV shows that I don’t watch, but you haven’t really been in my life since “I’ll be home for Christmas” which was released in 1998. That means I haven’t seen an aged version of my childhood love in a solid 13 years and that is just unacceptable!
 
Johnathan, I feel like you don’t understand what you have done in abandoning me and all of the other twenty something girls and gay boys out here. Do you realize that my brother’s middle name is Taylor because I was 10 when he was born and I really, really wanted him to be named after you? He is 16 years old now and has no idea who his middle namesake even is! That, kind sir is a travesty! You plastered my walls as a child and then you just vanish into thin air?! I mean, even Devon Sawa (who I loved much less than you) still graces my celebrity gossip sites occasionally.
 
In closing, pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top, come out of hiding. We need you now more than ever! Maybe you could just attend some fundraiser for AIDS or something. Let us know you’re alive and still handsome. If you are no longer handsome, then please, please stay hidden. I don’t want my memories tarnished with a fatter version of Randy Taylor.
 
With all the love in my heart,
 
Kiki
 

Well Adjusted Adult

How can you tell I am a well adjusted adult? Because upon discovering that an old crush has a new girlfriend my natural reaction was to facebook stalk her and then proceed to show a picture of her to all of the men in my life, including my brothers, to get validation that I was prettier than her. When my 20 year old brother said, “yeah, she’s not that hot” I yelled at him that “not that hot” wasn’t good enough, so he told me I was prettier than her. He was implying the same thing, he just needed to clarify a little.
 
I AM PRETTIER THAN HER YOU GUYS! And you know what? Sometimes a gal needs a little validation, even if it comes from your 6 best guy friends, your uncle and your 3 brothers. This action is in no way a reflection on my level of self esteem.

Cohabitation Nation

As previously mentioned, my life is in a major overhaul phase. I am here to announce the most noteworthy of the life changes. No, I'm not becoming a model as you might have guessed from that breathtaking photo above; I will be transitioning from single condo dweller into cohabitation. Whoa, don’t jump to conclusions there! I did not meet the man of my dreams over the weekend…actually I might have, but that’s a story for another time. The cohabitation that I am referring to is taking up residence in a house with three other girls. The house is real close to where I grew up, it is near my social scene (or lack thereof), and the girls that live there are awesome! I am really, really excited to have people to talk to other than Bob (Bob meaning the Bob Dylan painting on my wall…yes, I have been known to address him whilst living alone). The big move happens September 1st and I feel so great about it! I have been trying to sort out my living situation for a while and everything just fell into place with this house. I feel like that is when things are really right – when you don’t have to force them. I need someone to remind me that I said that the next time I am dating some dude who is being a jerk. You guys got my back on that one? Cool, thanks.
 
So yes, cohabitation nation is headed my way in just over a week. As excited as I am, I know I am going to have to make some adjustments to my lifestyle (noted by how often I talk about spending time pantsless). Now I present you with the things I am going to have to change/will miss from being in cohabitation…
 
// All of my pantsless time will be now relegated to my room; no more walking to the kitchen pantsless to get my bowl of ice cream
 
// I am going to need to invest in a robe as I am certain that my naked trips from the bathroom to the bedroom will no longer fly
 
// The amount of time I spend sitting in the bathroom sink picking at my face will need to be limited
 
// It probably won’t be appropriate for me to randomly burst into song anymore
 
// I am going to have to start shutting the bathroom door while I go to the bathroom
 
// No. more. shoe closet. I have literally no idea where I am going to house all of my pretties
 
// My loud, obnoxious laugh might have to be muffled while I watch Happy Endings to avoid judgment from the other rooms
 
// I might need to change my eating habits. If these girls knew how obsessed I am with corndogs and cup of noodles right now, they might not want me living there.
 
// My impromptu dance parties will be less elaborate and more just shaking it in my room while my head phones are on.
 
// I won’t be able to make excuses about things I have to do so that I can lay around pantsless. They will know I am just in my room, and if my door is closed they will be correctly assuming that I am pantsless
 
// I am going to need to find some awesome sweats or something to makeup for the fact that I will have to wear pants 90% of my time at home
 
 
 
Hooray for cohabitation!!!


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Homegirl on a budget

I am going through a serious, awesome, eventful life transformation right now. More details are coming, but step one was to take time to sit down and figure out what really, truly makes me happy. My first thought on the path to enlightenment was about my natural reaction to a bad day – to buy something. Case in point: I have 2 pair of designer sunglasses in my bag as I type this (and probably 6 other pairs at home. You can never have too many sunnies!). The Ralph Lauren pair is from a fight I had with this douche bag I was dating. The Marc Jacobs pair is because I felt sad that I wasn’t the skinniest girl at the pool one day. Let it be known that I also have a pair of hot pink Guess pumps, some peace sign earrings, and like 3 pair of Hudson jeans as a result of fights with that same douche bag. Did those clothing items really change how that DB made me feel? Nope, but telling him to suck it and standing up for myself would have! That was a rough year and there are clearly some deep-rooted issues brewing in my thought process, so I am starting to remedy that by putting myself on a budget. I have budgeted for everything from gas to groceries to entertainment. My food budget has brought me to the edge…
 
 
This, my friends is the pinnacle of my poor, single girl life. I hope you will keep reading my blog even after you have seen that I live off of freeze-dried, white trash foods.
 

Summer Girls

I would like to start off by saying that I have a serious soft spot for Abercrombie & Fitch. The first time I heard Rich Cronin of LFO (may he rest in peace) sing that he liked girls that wore Abercrombie & Fitch, I knew I had to have it; I had to be that girl! Shortly after that song became my fave, a store opened in Provo and I took all my hard earned babysitting money and bought 2 shirts. I could not have been more proud of those two clearance rack shirts! My love affair with Abercrombie & Fitch continued well into college when my bestie was a manager for one of their stores. I took advantage of that discount and surrounded myself with the best friends/staff members that Abercrombie had to offer. Basically, Abercrombie & Fitch played a very important, superficial role in my life, but then I grew up. When I was 7 I realized my imaginary friend was ridiculous and when I was 21 I realized that Abercrombie & Fitch was even more ridiculous.   
 
Why the history on my relationship with Abercrombie & Fitch? Well, they have recently made the news with something more ridiculous then what they charge for the ½ yard of fabric that they call a skirt…they have actually offered to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing their clothes because they are concerned that he might tarnish their brand. For those of you who have been living in a remote village in the Andes for the past 2 years (or under a stupid rock), The Situation is a gentleman of Italian decent that has become popular as a result of a television show that airs on Music Television, “The Jersey Shore”. This show follows 7 individuals, or guidos and guidettes as they prefer to be called, as they live their slutty, alcohol infused lives. It is absolute gold (if gold is trash) and you should definitely watch it (if you love trash like I do).
 
 So Abercrombie & Fitch, You are concerned about The Situation tarnishing your brand? That is the thing that crosses the line for you? Interesting. Where was that concern when you started making lacy thongs and padded bikinis for 6 year old girls? Or when you started creating your own moose-shaped hole in the ozone layer by spraying “Fierce” in your stores every 30 minutes (that is a fact)? And let’s not forget about all of those pesky discrimination lawsuits. I have it on good authority that managers were trained to essentially discriminate against other races as they recruited. They also make the heavier or less attractive staff work in the back stocking. I am just skimming the surface of things that Abercrombie & Fitch has done to tarnish their own brand. Furthermore, the company has been bleeding money for the past several years and has had to do layoffs all over the place, but they can afford to pay The Situation to stop wearing their clothes? Your stores smell like a guido, 90% your staff looks like guidos, and I’m sure guidos are the only ones down with putting their 6 year olds in thongs. Maybe you guys should just get over yourselves, recognize the fact that you have become the joke of the fashion world and accept that guidos are the only ones left shopping at your stores. Embrace the free marketing that The Situation is giving you! Idiots…
 

Me Time

Three times in the past week I have lied about being busy so that I could lay in my bed pantsless, eating ice cream and watching TV. It's becoming an issue you guys.


Don't worry though, I've started biking places. Hopefully the biking counteracts the ice cream in bed thing. I also wear pants when I bike, so I have that going for me too. 

Note to the reader: I also don't look sad like the girl in the picture. I'm actually quite happy while I'm eating my ice cream in bed.