Quit Stalking us!

Remember how about 10 months ago swine flu was all anyone talked about? It was all over the place. Don’t lie—every time you got a sniffle, you assumed it was the swine flu and ran to get meds. Well brothers and sisters, we have something far worse on our hands. This epidemic seems to be spreading across all age groups, ethnicities and socioeconomic classes… this epidemic is Justin Bieber. People are actually calling it “Bieber Fever”. That sounds like some sort of plague that will wipe out 1/3 of Europe to me.


Seriously, it’s out of control you guys! Justin Bieber is stalking all of us! This is truly the only logical explanation for how some little kid (who looks suspiciously like a tiny lesbian to me) could overtake the entire globe. He caused a riot in Australia, people! I can’t seem to turn on a TV or the radio without hearing one of his songs, or at very least, the mention of his name. He was on SNL the same night as big-timer Tina Fey for crying out loud ( side note: that sketch they did where he was her student and she was fantasizing about him—totes inappropes, but so funny)!

I am 25 years old and I am as much a victim as anyone else. I love me a good sing-a-long to “one less lonely girl”, but it is simply wrong that this 14 year old is singing that to me! This child can’t make me less lonely! That’s illegal in all 50 states! Stop it Justin Bieber! Stop it now! Please start singing about gym class or taking your crush to nikelcade or something. Don’t sing to me about age-inappropriate love! (example: “Many have called but the chosen is you. Whatever you want shawty, I’ll give it to you”).

I just need you to stop Justin. You stalking everyone is becoming a problem. And for the record, I still don’t even know how to pronounce his last name…Beeber? Byber? Bayber? I don’t friggin know…