Coming Out

I was never a happy kid. Starting at about 13 years old, I had this sadness inside of me that I could just never shake off. The sadness translated into self-loathing, an inability to form many close relationships, and just an all-around sense that I wasn’t like the other kids. I always felt like I had to hide myself because there was no way anyone would want to know the real person. Early one Sunday morning when I was seventeen, I found my Mom lying on the floor of our bathroom covered in blood that she had been coughing up. There were bloody handprints smeared on the walls, the tile floor, the toilet, and all over her face. When I began frantically asking her why she was on the floor, she didn’t even realize she was there. It is an image and feeling that I will never forget, and that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Through a series of tests we found out that she had brain cancer. They removed the tumor on July 5^th, 2002 and nothing has ever been the same since.

If I had to pinpoint when my depression really took ahold of me, it was then. It felt like a switch physically flipped on, and the sadness went from a lingering feeling to something that made it almost impossible for me to live a normal life day-to-day. So what did I do? I ran from it. I ran as fast as I could because I had no way of identifying what was happening to me. Friends reached out to me, and I just ignored the calls. I didn’t want to talk about how terrible things were and how I felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to be “normal”.

One year later, after a lot of self-medication and destructive behaviors, my parents made me go to a therapist who diagnosed me with clinical depression. He was unable to prescribe anything for me, but he advised that I speak to my doctor about my diagnosis. So what did I do? I ran from it again. I stopped going to that therapist, I didn’t go to a doctor, and never told a single soul about my diagnosis. It became my darkest secret, and out of desperation I sought out a new way to mask it. I started making people laugh as a way to deflect. No one would guess there was something wrong with someone who joked around all the time, and people wanted to hang out with the funny girl. That’s a great plan until you end up driving in your car for hours on end, no destination in mind, just so you can cry without anyone seeing that you were falling apart.

For a decade I did that. The only people who ever saw my depression where the few friends who got close enough to see past the jokes. Those friends became frustrated with me because they couldn’t understand why I would become quiet and withdrawn, or why I was so negative and always felt hopeless. “Just be happy” is a phrase that I heard over and over from friends and family, all whom were trying to help me. I honestly could not comprehend how that worked. How could you just decide to be happy, and then be happy? It’s not like I didn't try. I tried to be funny. I tried not letting people close. I tried taking every herbal remedy I could find. I tried doing yoga 5 times a week. I tried running 7 days a week. I tried meditation. I tried writing. I tried quitting caffeine. I tried other therapists. I tried prayer. If you can google it, I tried it. I really, really tried.

Regardless of how hard I tried, nothing fixed me. All it took was one bad event and I would be down on myself for long periods of time. I felt like I was in this dark cloud and that was all I could see. I didn’t believe there was anything outside of that dark cloud. I didn’t see any way of ever getting out of the dark cloud. The dark cloud was a part of me and I didn’t understand why I had a dark cloud and other people didn’t. The turning point for me was last July. I had done some research online and found a book about positive thinking. It was supposedly the best one on the market, so I was ready for yet another self-help book. When I received the book, I immediately recognized the cover as a book that had been on my Dad’s shelf for as long as I could remember. I had seen my Dad struggle with a sadness his entire life, and it wasn’t until that very moment that I was able to realize that he wasn’t just a negative person – he had a dark cloud too. My Dad had a dark cloud and I got my dark cloud from him. He got his dark cloud from his Mother, and she got her dark cloud from her Mother. The dark cloud was something that I couldn’t fix, and I was finally able to admit that it was out of my hands.

I started medication later that week. Within a few weeks I realized that I felt level. I had never felt level in my entire life! The dark cloud was mostly gone, and when it did return it was only for a night and then I woke up feeling fine again. I had no idea it was possible to feel level. I had no idea it was possible to have a bad day, and then bounce back to level within 24 hours. I felt relieved. Relieved that I was able to stop something I fought so hard against. Relieved that I finally admitted it was out of my control. Relieved that I could be alone in my room without feeling sad. That little pill was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I finally new what "normal" people felt like. 

So why now? Why am I putting this out in a very public arena now? Well, it is because of Matt Walsh. For those of you who may not be familiar with this man, he is a conservative blogger. Based on the things I have read on his blog, he is one of the most hateful, judgmental, and least Christian people out there. I often disagree with his posts from a political and moral standpoint, but this week a post he wrote felt like a more personal attack. Obviously it wasn't, but I was horrified to see his post pop up in my facebook feed titled, " Robin Williams didn't die from a disease, he died from his choice". As someone who has dealt with depression for a long time, I couldn't help but feel empathy for what Robin Williams must have been going through. I do not claim to know what it is like for a person to reach the point where they believe their only choice is to take their own life. I have not been there, and I hope to never experience that kind of sadness, but the fact that I don't know is why I have no right to judge someone who chose that. I get so angry when people like Matt Walsh accuse those who commit suicide of being selfish, or of taking the cowards route, or any other number of negative accusations. I particularly hate when religious people claim that suicide will condemn you to hell or that God could have saved the person had they just turned their hearts to Him. I cannot believe in a God who would send someone to hell knowing the pain and suffering that drove them to that point, and as someone who spent countless nights praying with desperation to have the pain go away, I can confidently say that just "turning your heart to God" is simply not enough for those suffering from mental illness. 

It infuriated me that people like Matt Walsh could feel it is their place to put any sort of label on a person suffering from mental illness, and suffering is the only way to describe it. It is not easy, it is not a choice, and it is all consuming. Someone who has never experienced that cannot pass any sort of judgment on another who has. So thank you, Matt Walsh and all of the other intolerant people out there. Because of you, I felt compelled to come forward with my story to combat the stigma attached to mental illness; a stigma that is perpetuated by hateful words from those who don't know how depression feels. So yes, I have clinical depression, and yes I am on anti-depressants. I will likely be on them for the rest of my life, and that's okay! It's okay because I am a good person who is smart, and funny, and kind, and who happens to have a genetic condition that requires medication. It does not make me less of a person to have depression, and it is not a choice I made. I am proud of who I am and I am proud of where I have been and where I am. Everyone is fighting something, and it is no one's place to ever place judgment on that.  

Todd Lance Dorius 1961-2013

There is no easy way to approach this subject, so I will just out and say it: my Dad passed away 3 weeks ago very unexpectedly. He was up at out cabin at Bear Lake with a bunch of our family when he just fell over and died. It sounds so blunt to say it like that, but it is exactly what happened. I was just sitting at work one Friday afternoon when I got a call from my Aunt that he had collapsed. I tried to stay and work until I heard more, but after wandering around the office for 3 minutes like a zombie from Walking Dead, I realized that working through it wasn't an option. I left the office and within 20 minutes I got the follow up call that the life flight had arrived and pronounced him dead. I can't even put into words what it was like to hear those words on the phone. I hung up, made some shaky phone calls to my brothers, my Dad's brother, a few friends, and my aunt to tell her I was coming over. Then I lost it. I cried in the most broken way I have ever cried. I could not understand how this could happen to my family and how I was going to be okay.

I waited for everyone to arrive home from the cabin and tried to keep myself busy with anything. The kind texts and calls poured in and my heart filled with love for everyone who sent them. When the family arrived it broke my heart to put my arms around my 12 year old brother, knowing he had just watched his Dad die. My 18 year old brother couldn't look anyone in the eye and I saw a broken look in his face that I had never seen. The rest of the night was a blur. Lots of tears and discussion of next steps, with truth be told, I couldn't even address. When the topic of meeting with the funeral director came up, I freaked out and said I needed to go to yoga. That was my priority then: yoga.

I went home that night and wrote my Dad's obituary. How do you sum up your father's life in 3 paragraphs? It was a weird moment. I drove to yoga the next morning where I parked my car in an alley and cried while a homeless man watched on. I made 20 minutes in that yoga class before I left in a tearful mess because the teacher tried to help me with my arm position. I walked around the mall and saw lime green everywhere. My Dad loved lime green. I had this moment after the 4th person in a lime green shirt that I knew it was time for me to buck up. I spent that day meeting with the mortician, picking his casket, planning his funeral, revising the obituary, meeting with his bishop, etc. It should be noted that I attended all of those meetings in my yoga clothes because that was the form my grief took. I was admittedly ill-equipped to deal with any of this emotionally or mentally, so that was my excuse for staying in yoga clothes while I met with a religious leader 6 hours after I had stormed out of a yoga class in tears.



The funeral came and went and was so perfect. There were more laughs than tears, and it was exactly what my Dad would have wanted. I only had a few minor breakdowns when I saw a book he used to teach me how to draw as a child, or when I listened to the word of the song "Goodnight my Angel" by Billy Joel (one of his favorites), or when I had to go to the funeral home to preview the body, or when the entire Skyline Lacrosse team showed up in their matching polos to hug my Mom and brother. Okay, so there were a lot of breakdowns. But there was a lot of positive moments as well. In the loss, I was able to think back on everything my Dad did right in my life and realize he was always the best Dad he knew how to be. He worked to try and involve his kids in his hobbies, as evident by the kids drawing book. He loved us unconditionally. He did not care what we did with our lives, there was never any judgement or prodding to be anything else. All he ever wanted was for us to be happy and whatever that meant, he was on board with it.

So that is what I am attempting to do in my life now. I still have my bad days where I realize he's gone; that he'll never get to walk me down the aisle when I get married, or see his grandkids, but for the most part I feel strangely okay. I feel like I am coming out of this with a greater understanding of who he was, who I am, and who I need to be for him. I have to remind myself often that the last thing he would want would be for me or my brothers to be a sad, balled up mess, sitting in our rooms feeling depressed and missing him. He would want us to be out having fun, laughing, meeting people, and just feeling happy.



As time marches on, I started to feel him slipping away. Each day he's gone a little more and that is a hard feeling to be okay with. I can't really put into words what it feels like to wake up and know a little more is gone. I decided I needed a permanent reminder of him, so a few days ago I got his initials tattooed on my wrist. They aren't just any initials, it is the exact signature he used to sign the artwork he did. He happened to have the signature scanned in on his computer, so I was able to print it out and take it to Lost Art and have them replicate it on my body. I am absolutely in love with it and for me it is a way that my Dad will still get to be present at my wedding or the birth of my kids or any other big life event. Every time I look down at it, I smile and think about how perfect it is to have that reminder.




I have a lot of love in my life. In the days and weeks after this event, I was overwhelmed by the support I felt from so many friends and family members. Flowers, cards, hugs, meals, laughs, ears to listen, hands to hold, and so many other special things. The details about next steps are still being worked out, but I really feel like I am a stronger person from this. I saw what I am capable of and how strong I can be. I will be moving home for a while to help my Mom and brother do the same. It isn't fair that any of this happened, but I truly believe the best way to honor my Dad is by working hard to not let this drag us down. One day at a time.

My Friend Tehmi

I have this friend named Tehmi. We worked together for a few years and bonded over our mutual love of JCrew, Diet Coke, corn dogs and baking. We wore the same outfit more than once, took "JCrew Lunches" every other Friday, and around 10:00 every morning, one of us would send an email with the subject line, "Diet Coke?". That was our code for asking if the other was ready to take a break and walk to 7-11. The corn dog thing needs not be discussed, but lets just say that Maverik makes a pretty okay corn dog when you aren't using your lunch break to shop at JCrew.

When I left that job Tehmi put in her notice the Monday after my last day. I like to believe it was because she couldn't bear the thought of going to work without me, but in reality she left to stay home with her three beautiful children. Seriously, they are all beautiful. Being a stay at home mom means that Tehmi has more time to focus on the baking part of the things we shared in common. She has spent a lot of time researching and testing recipes for croissants, and now I am here to tell you that her exhaustive research has paid off. Last week she posted the recipe with some helpful pictures, and as I type this I am waiting on my third batch to raise. I am not going to spend the time detailing it all out because, well, she did all the hard work for me. So click here for the recipe to pure bliss. Meanwhile, you can look at the picture from my first batch:

Thursday Things

Life, man. It has been busy. I wish it was busy with fun things like vacations or concerts or hot dudes rubbing tanning oil on my back while I lay at the pool. But alas, it is busy with work and regular day to day things. I am not complaining by any means, life is great! I just wish those hot men with tanning oil would figure out where my Grandma lives**

Anywho, here I go trying to post some Thursday things since I have sucked terribly at that as of late (meaning the last 6 months). This is going to take a musical turn because I have been listening to a lot of music to calm my mind. It is going to take a sappy turn because it just is. Don't read too much into this, it is just that I am a damn hopeless romantic and I have been watching/listening to a lot of sappy things in my stressed out state. I think they give me a euphoric feeling that helps me relax from the stress. Whatever, just don't worry about it. Here you go, kids:

This Song

I have been obsessed with this for some time, I just haven't taken the time to share with you all for reasons mentioned above. I stumbled across it one day while stalking my friend on Spotify (thanks, Jeff). He has good taste in music and the title intrigued me. Now I listen to it on repeat, usually in bed at night. It sounds much weirder than it is, I promise. This song is insanely beautiful and it makes me believe in love. It sounds the way that I think you should feel when you find something good, and the lyrics are just really, really hopeful and lovely. Listen. Love.

This Song

Because Adam Levine singing Al Green. Just so much sexy. Almost too much sexy. Almost.

This Song

This song is from one of my favorite movies, "Adam". It is a love story between a girl and a man with Asperger's Syndrome. It is one of those movies that is just good and sweet without having to use any gimmicks or explosions. It leaves you feeling warm and fuzzy with a pinch of hopeful. Watch it. But this song is played during a scene where your heart is both melting and breaking a little, and it is so perfect for that moment. It is also perfect for listening to on repeat and letting yourself turn into putty in Joshua Radin's hands. That man gets me.

This Song

"Is this girl just listening to love songs by herself in her room every night?", you might ask. And the answer is an unapologetic and enthusiastic, "YES!". Here is our boy Josh again. This one errs on the side of a little sad, what with wanting your clothes to smell like they used to...but it is still really sweet. Don't act like you've never stood in your room, sniffing your shirt because it still smells like someone and the smell of that person makes you happy. That is a real thing and don't make me feel weird for admitting it here. Now there is a song to validate me while turning me to buttah. Damn you, Joshua Radin!

These Scenes

Confession: I had never seen "Good Will Hunting" until this week. I am not sure how or why it took me 15 years to watch it; I knew I would like it based on what others told me. Plus, it has young Matt Damon and I miss looking at young Matt Damon terribly! Well, turns out I did love it. In keeping with my sappy Thursday Things, I will end by sharing the scenes that made me smile. Sorry guys, I've gotta see about a girl.



**If you are a hot man who wouldn't mind rubbing oil on me whilst I lay on my lounge chair, reading a book and eating a pear, hit me up. I'll give you Grandma's address. It is just in Holladay, so not too far and it is pretty easy to find. Also, the pool is a lovely temperature and the yard is quite nice.

The Worst Show on TV

For a while I have been hearing many rumblings about the show “Downton Abbey”. I hate, hate, hate period dramas, but I decided to put aside my hatred and start watching “Downton Abbey” on Netflix. I decided this four times. FOUR! The first three times I started the first episode and fell asleep within 15 minutes. I couldn’t do it. Then in January I made another attempt and this time it took, sort of. I am blaming it on a combination of being sick of watching “The Hills” reruns and winter making me slothful. Regardless of the reasons, the fact is that I got just bored enough to not only start watching, but keep watching even though I hated it. I am embarrassed to admit this, but to date I have caught up on all three seasons that have been released in the states. I hate it. I hate the show and I hate myself for watching all of it. It is THE WORST, you guys! I don't know why people like it! Is everyone just as bored as I am, or am I missing something about this show that is good? And can anyone explain to me why Laura Linney introduces the episodes?? I have decided to spare anyone else from wasting 30+ hours of their lives by creating a list of everything you need to know about “Downton Abbey” without actually having to watch it! YOU’RE WELCOME!

****Contains Spoilers…again, YOU’RE WELCOME!****

//The Crawley Family: They are all the worst people ever. They are all dicks who whine all the time, save a few semi-redeeming members: 

Robert is the root of why this show is the worst. He is entitled and melodramatic and doesn’t even come close to understanding or accepting real life. He has squandered the family fortune because he is an idiot and almost loses Downton Abbey like 3 times thus far. He is also the king of white problems. He also has a cool wife and he kisses a maid because his life is so hard because he had to open his home up to war victims. Cry me a damn river. He also listens to the crappiest doctor of all time and by doing so, kills some people. Idiot. I hope he dies soon.

 


Cora is a half redeeming character. She is only gets a half because sometimes she agrees with her douche bag husband, Robert. When she isn’t giving into his stupidity, she is actually pretty cool. She helps Mary carry the sex victim back to his bed, she support Sybil’s fight for true love, and she doesn’t hate Edith even though everyone else clearly does. She also stays strong through all the crap she’s put through because of other’s stupidity. She got knocked up with a boy (finally!) but then lost it because her servant intentionally put soap on the floor so she’d slip and miscarry. She reacts to that with poise and strength, although she didn’t know it was intentional. Then her husband makes a pretty poor judgment call and the result is the death of Sybil and she stands up to him and refuses to let him touch her. Girl power!

Mary sucks because she is a product of her father -- Lazy and entitled. She was supposed to marry her cousin Patrick in the first episode and then they would inherit everything, but he died on the Titanic. Or maybe he didn’t. Some burn victim showed up in season two saying he was that cousin but no one believed him so he went away. So maybe her fiancé-cousin is still alive, or maybe he sank with Leo DiCapprio. I’m sure the burn victim will show up again and threaten Mary’s way of life because she ended up marrying the next heir, her other cousin Matthew. So much incest. But she only married Matthew after breaking his heart because they thought they may have a brother to inherit the fortune, and also after she had sex with a diplomat who was visiting their estate. The sex wasn’t the scandal, he died on top of her and then her Mom and maid had to help her carry the body into the diplomat’s room. Also, that diplomat was pretty rapey so I am not faulting her for that too much. To sum her up: gold-digging, black widow, slut.

Edith borders on being a redeeming character if she wasn’t so damn whiney. She tries pretty hard to not suck, but she also told the diplomat’s parents that her sister sexed him until he died which is a low blow even if your sister sucks as bad as Mary does. Edith can’t find love to save herself. It might be because she has red hair and a beak for a nose, but I am also guessing that her whiney nature doesn’t help. She loved Mary’s fiancé-cousin Patrick, but he drowned or maybe didn’t and got burned in WWI. She also loved a farm hand for a minute when she was driving their tractor during the war, but that died because he was a farm hand or something. Then she stalked an old man into proposing to her. Like really stalked, you guys. She showed up at his house all the time and asked him to take her for drives constantly. He even told her to stay away but she kept showing up until he finally proposed because if you’re going to have a whiney ginger around all the time, you may as well get some from it. Too bad for Edith, the old dude backed out at the altar and just dropped the mic and walked out. Poor Edith has one job, to find a husband, and she just keeps screwing it up.

Sybil is one of the few redeeming characters. She is great for so many reasons. First of all, she has a soul. She isn’t content to just laze about the parlor trying to find a husband, she wants to make the world a better place. She goes to rallies to get the vote for women and when WWI breaks out she becomes a nurse and even gets her family to turn their mansion into a recovery center for the injured vets.  She also ends up flipping her aristocratic lifestyle the bird when she elopes with the chauffer. I hate weddings so this was my kind of lady! But guess what, they killed her off during child birth in season 3. 

The Dowager Countess is Robert’s mom, so she is guilty of putting this man on the earth. She has her moments of hilarity and delivers quips like, “Edith, you’re a lady! Not a toad of toad hall”, but in the end she is the matriarch of this awful conclave so she is also the worst. I’m pretty sure she hates Edith more than anyone else, but I don’t actually think she is fond of anyone, really. From what I can tell, her entire purpose on this show is to be an old hag and make everyone feel inferior.

Tom Branson needs to just get over himself. He is some sort of Irish rebel turned chauffer for the family. I don’t quite understand his whole political stance because I can’t bring myself to care enough, but I know the family doesn’t care for whatever it is. At first he’s okay because he is wooing Sybil and making sure she doesn’t get hurt at rallies and stuff, but then he just gets too self-righteous and can’t stop talking about how Ireland needs to be independent or something. Then he marries Sybil, takes her to Dublin and knocks her up. Sounds like he’s okay until you learn that he gets into some sort of trouble for being somewhere that was frowned upon (again, I don’t care) and leaves pregnant Sybil alone in Dublin to hopefully escape the country and get to Downton. What a guy. What a guy.

Matthew gets redeeming character credit only because he is the least annoying man on the show. He is a distant cousin to the Crowleys so when the Earl can’t get his wife knocked up with a boy, Matthew wins! He doesn’t really care to win though. He just wants to be a lawyer and stay cool but instead he is kind of thrust into being an upper-class dick. He ends up marrying his cousin Mary, the oldest and worst of the Crowley daughters. Even though Mary is the worst, he loves her a lot and it is pretty sweet. He loves her enough that he marries her even after finding out she boned a diplomat to death. But then he knocks up his stupid wife who he loves so much and right after she gives birth to a son (finally someone has a boy around here!) he dies in a car accident. Bleeding out the ears, dead. So they kill off the second redeeming character. Good job, writers. Now I hate everyone.

//So many servants, so little I care about: They come and go and I don’t know most of their names, so I will highlight a few.

Anna is cool. She is a pretty young housekeeper turned Mary’s someone who gets her dressed. I think they call it a lady maid or something. Regardless, she exists to put clothes on the worst Crowley sister and somehow manages to still be nice to people. I don’t get it, but she must be okay. She also married this old dude with a limp.

Bates is the old dude with a limp. He was married to some other crazy lady but when she died he married Anna because she’s an angel who can look past his old man limp and potential murderous traits. The first wife killed herself and framed Bates, or maybe he killed her. He was exonerated but I have a feeling he had something to do with something, so I am suspect of him.

O’Brien is the person who killed baby Crowley by intentionally putting soap on the floor so that Cora would slip. She thought she was getting fired (which she wasn’t), so naturally she killed an unborn baby because that is what you do when you think you’re going to be fired. They haven’t found out that she is the baby killer yet so she just keeps getting Cora dressed each day.

The redhead prostitute left an impression on me as you can tell by my inability to remember her name. She worked at the house for a short time while Sybil turned it into a hospital and during that short time she managed to sleep with a soldier and get pregnant. The soldier died from something I also didn’t pay attention to and she had his bastard child and prostituted herself to make money after getting fired from Downton for being a slut…so then she became more of a slut. Her story line is just another stupid, unnecessary subplot, but at least this one involves sex.

Daisy out- whines Edith on her best days. She is also really pale and has big ears. She does stuff in the kitchen and marries a dying servant who got injured in the war even though she doesn’t like him that way. Can’t remember his name either. She also has a crush on a new servant whose name I also can’t remember, but he doesn’t like her because as I mentioned, she is pale and has big ears. He likes her assistant in the kitchen. He should because she is much cuter. But Daisy might get her dead husband’s father’s farm someday, so she may redeem herself by manning up and not just whining all the time about boys not liking her. Get a tan, Daisy.

Thomas is many things. He is gay. He has a weird hand because of the war. He likes to frame people for crimes. He is sketchy as hell. He gets manipulated into kissing another male servant by O’Brien because she convinces him that there is a mutual attraction. They almost fire him and report him to the authorities for being gay, which was against the law, but they keep him on and the guy he kissed drops it. They shouldn’t have helped this jerk. He has had 500 chances and screws someone over every time. He got beat up for following or protecting the guy he kissed. I am unclear on what he was doing and if it was a hate crime or just that he was drunk. Again, my attention to this show isn’t great.  At least he is sort of nice to look at.

Well, there you have it! Everything you need to know about Downton Abbey without wasting hours of your life like I did. I am going to say that I won’t keep you all updates on the happs of the worst family ever, but I have a feeling I will get bored enough to watch the next season too. I don't know why I hate myself so much. Until then.

I'm Alive!

I haven't given this blog much attention in 2013 and I don't have any real reason. But guess what? I don't have to explain myself to you people, so there! I could go on and on about how much fun I have been having, but instead I am going to be a total cliché and let you all see my year according to iPhone. Enjoy!

(Please note the scruffy man in the pageboy cap and glasses is Ty Burrell of "Modern Family" fame)

Thursday Things

I have been quite vocal about my distain for the year we just left behind, but I guess it wasn't all bad. There were some parts of the year that I felt should be mentioned so that I don't seem like I was just miserable in and laying in bed crying for the whole year. I wasn't and I didn't. So this week's Thursday things will be a list of the things that I am glad happened in my life in 2012. But still, bring on 2013!

This Song



I haven't been so obsessed with a song since the *NSYNC days. I loved it from the second time I heard it because the first time I heard it I was confused and thought maybe it was a joke. It wasn't a joke. No sir, it was a blessing in my life, sent from above. I used Hey Tell to send it to Brooke on a daily basis until she finally broke down and admitted she loved it, I went dancing with friends and spent the whole time hoping they played it, and then when they did I spent the rest of the time wishing they'd play it again. You guys, I think I want my wedding vows to be, "Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad". Thank you, Carly Rae.

This Quote



I loved it so much I wrote an entire post on it. I just hope someday someone feels that about me.

This Book



My favorite book of the year was definitely a toss up between this and "To Kill a Mockingbird, but I went this book because I hadn't read it before so it was new to me in 2012. We read this for a berk clerb  that never really materialized, but it was a fascinating book and I am glad I read it, with or without the club discussion.

This Activity



My Dad was living in California for the last few years and my Mom and brothers were still here. This meant a lot of back and forth for Mom, and a lot of brothers being here in Salt Lake without her. This meant Sunday Fundays with big sister! Our Sunday Fundays usually entailed some brunch, maybe some shopping, maybe some parks, maybe some dog walking. I know it was breaking Mom's rules about the sabbath, but I will never regret my brunches with these boys. I hope they remember them as fondly as I do. Shhhhhh! Don't tell Mom!

This Vlogger



I was introduced to Grace Helbig in 2012 and I am so happy that it happened! She makes me laugh consistently and I relate with her on embarrassing levels. I think she is my spirit animal. The video above is my favorite of all of her videos, but if you have time to just let your youtube play her channel for a while, you won't regret it. If you find something, take something.

This Hobby



I needed a new hobby in 2012 so I reached back into my Mormon upbringing to remember when I used to cross stitch with plastic needles and I made things like kitties and rainbows. The skill came flooding right back when I picked up the needle and thread, only this time my skills are used for more comical purposes. You're welcome.

Yeah, that was about it. 2012 can still abort itself, but at least some good things came from it!

Introducing: The Year of Kiki

Here we are, the first day of 2013. I am not big on New Years Eve and all the superstitions and traditions that come along with it, and I have never made a resolution in my life, but this year I am on board. I hated 2012. 2012 was sort of the worst. I really wanted to curb 2012. Fortunately, this last weekend of 2012 really gave me the boost I needed to start 2013 off right. There was shopping and fancy parties and flirting and a great New Year's eve bash with wonderful friends. At midnight a group of us made a pact to make 2013 OUR year, and you know what? I truly believe it will be! I feel completely optimistic that this new year will be a very good one for this girl and the ones I love. I leave you first with a collage of pictures from our NYE party, and then with a quote that I stole from Jenny:

Thursday Things

Good news everyone! We all officially made it through Christmas! I had some apprehension about Christmas this year because life has been pretty weird lately, what with the sad stuff and the existential crises. Luckily, I had a very lovely Christmas eve complete with lovely pajamas, a nativity scene played out with some adorable little ones (and some adorable adults as well), and a lovely Christmas story. I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my Christmas Eve. Christmas day involved some excitement and even gifts not all purchased by me! I have decided to use my loot as this week’s Thursday things. Happy Christmas being over, every one!

These Mustache Items

Remember when I said my brothers were the worst and never got me anything? Well one of my brothers proved me wrong this year! He got me these cookie cutters as well as the straw clips. I can’t wait to be invited to an ironic hipster bar mitzvah, a la Penny on “Happy Endings” so that I can make these ironic mustache cookies and sip with my ironic mustache straw clips.

These Gift Cards

Nordy’s and Target are my two of my most favorite places on earth. I will take a day at Nordy’s or Target over Disneyland any day! Having money to spend at these joyous places brings me so much holiday cheer! I cannot wait for this weekend so that I can go crazy and buy some of what my heart desires at these stores!

This DVD

I have already mentioned my love of this movie. Santa leaves us a DVD in our stocking each Christmas morning. The jig was up this year for the first time in my life, but we still got stockings which means I still got this DVD. Very much looking forward to viewing this for years to come.

This Box

Bergendi made me a Berch Box filled with my favorite things. Fun band aids because my mom refused to buy them for me, the best pens ever, gel nail polish, my favorite tea and a USB because unlike most urban professionals, I have never owned one. I feel like I should burst into that song from the sound of music right now, but I will refrain.

These Shoes

I already posted about them. They are cute, but they are nothing compared to the pinnacle of my Christmas…

These Wish Fulfillers

My existential crisis may have played into my decision to get these, but that is irrelevant. If you know me then you know that I spend a good amount of time lusting after Tory Burch flats. I have done so for the past two years or more. I have said I would buy them at least 50 times and chickened out last minute because they cost way more than any shoe I’ve ever owned. I could just never rationalize the cost because as much as I joke around about being frivolous, I buy everything on sale and I am weirdly cheap about so many things. Then I had this moment last week when I realized that 2012 was just really not my year. 2011 wasn’t really all that great either. What I am saying is it has been a rough couple of years filled with disappointment and unexpected stress, so I vowed to start 2013 off on the right foot. What better way to metaphorically start out on the right foot than with the Tory Burch Reva flat that I spent 2010-2012 dreaming of? I had all sorts of anxiety about this. Was this really all I wanted for Christmas? Were they really worth it? The answer to both of those questions is an unwavering: YES!!! The moment they were put in my possession I felt excitement to wear them. I spent Friday- Tuesday thinking about opening them Christmas morning. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have not felt that much excitement for anything in I don’t even know how long. I also haven’t had a happier Christmas morning since ’95 when I got the dollhouse I had been desiring for 9 months. Call me shallow, but I felt pure joy putting them on my feet. It was a small price to pay for self-confidence, Michael!

Thursday Things

First things first: My cousin was found safe. Yay!

Now onto why I haven’t posted in several weeks; Well, it seems I am having some sort of existential crisis and posting about things I like seemed so silly compared to the things I have been thinking about.  So why am I having an existential crisis? Because things happened to make me sort of examine this girl and her life. I don’t disclose other people’s bidness on here because it isn’t my bidness to share, so for the sake of privacy I will keep it vague. A very, very good friend of mine went through something awful and I have spent the past few weeks trying to wrap my head around when life got to be so…so….lifey. It shook me to the core and I had this intense moment where I felt like everything I had ever wanted as a child was flashing in front of me. I suddenly found myself asking so many questions about my life: what I am doing with it, where I want it to go, and who do I want to be in it? Heavy stuff, man. My existential crisis sounds way more upsetting than it actually is. It is actually a healthy and positive process that I am working through and probably something that needed to happen, I just wish it wasn’t brought on by real sad stuff. So while I figure out the foundation of my entire being, I will post a half-assed list of things this week:

These Treats

 

They are special edition and I am going to curb someone if they don’t make them a year-round thing. I bought my first about a week and a half ago and have consumed 5 bags since. Don’t judge me. My chocolate covered craisins are definitely better than your _________ (fill in the blank with whatever holiday treat you prefer). So lay off me! Jerks.

This Song/Video

 

Very moving stuff. The lyrics are touching, the bridge is beautiful, the video makes me want to hug everyone I encounter and tell them I love them. Let’s all just love each other and not breed hate, can we please?

This Song

 

Yup, two songs this week. I told you it has been a weird week and nothing conveys emotion like music, so I have been listening to a lot of it. Don’t read too much into this song. It just makes me happy and makes me feel like I can kick life in the junk and be awesome, and when you’re trying to figure out how to arrange a whole new life, you need to feel like you can kick it in the junk.  

These Shoes

 

I’m getting nuthin’ for Christmas! True story. Not because I was bad, but because I got an iPad for my birthday. Since it was spendy, my parents gave it to me as my b-day/Christmas present combined. Also, my brothers are all the worst and never get me anything. I don’t regret the decision at all because my iPad is my boyfriend and I love him, but it does make for a disappointing Christmas morning. I don’t need any more disappointment in my life, so I bought myself these shoes. I even wrapped them up and put them under the tree! Come Christmas morn I will open my new shoes and feel a little excited while my brothers tear into their stuff. Huzzah!

Help

Hello people. I know I have been MIA for the last few weeks. More on that to come, but I wanted to quickly log on to post some important information in hopes it spreads out into the interweb:

 My cousin Randy has gone missing. He was last seen 12/14/12 in Sandy, UT

Age: 16 

Weight: 135

Height: 5'9"

Eyes: Green 

Hair: Dark brown

He has friends in Rose Park so he may have headed that way. If you see him you can leave a comment here, email me, call me if you have my digits, whatever. His family is very worried about him and want him home safe!

Baby, its cold outside!

It was recently brought to my attention that not everyone knows the song, “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is about date rape. My aunt tried to tell me it was about innocent seduction, but I am not a fool. Don’t believe me? Well allow me to analyze the lyrics for you:

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice

Up until this point, it is all very innocent. The man likes this girl and just wants to spend more time with her, so he is using the weather as an excuse.  She’s trying to end the date like a lady, but he’s being sweet and I would probably stay too if I liked the dude.

My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry?
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some records on while I pour

Now, the girl is starting to feel a little uneasy about this guy. Maybe his sweet desire to have her stay is now coming off as threatening or creepy. She is making it clear that people, specifically her parents, know where she is and will worry if they don’t hear from her. Still, she’s thinking he’s sort of cute and she’s probably being paranoid, so she’ll have just half a drink more before she drives home and texts her mom to let her know the date went well and it was a nice, rape-free evening.

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink? - No cabs to be had out there

Here is where things get pretty real. “Say, what’s in this drink?”. A roofie, sweetheart. You been drugged! There was a reason he was pushing that drink on you. The pill in that drink will soon render you unconscious and he will be free to take advantage of you and also to use your phone to text your parents to let them know you’re fine and they should absolutely not worry. You should have trusted your instincts and left before he slipped you a forget me now.

I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

Honey, you can’t break the spell because he has put heavy drugs in that drink. You screwed.

I ought to say no, no, no - Mind if I move in closer?
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride?
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ah, but it's cold outside

You did say no, no, no and you did try to leave. Don’t let anyone tell you that you didn’t say no. No means no! Then you let his baby blues talk you into taking a drink and now you’re slowly drifting off to a rapey slumber. Sorry, lady. You getting raped.

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your coat - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me?
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Think of my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out
Ah, but it's cold outside
Oh, baby it's cold outside
Oh, baby it's cold outside

This conclusion clearly takes place after she’s woken up. She knows something went down and she’s terrified and trying to get out of there, but she is putting on a strong front so that he doesn’t suspect anything is wrong. Smart move; make your captor feel safe and comfortable so that he lets you go, then you can call the cops and make your way to the nearest ER.

It is so clear what the true intent behind this song is. I am sorry for ruining this song for any of you that enjoy it or think it’s a sweet Christmas carol, but the truth had to be known. He can’t get away with this!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, YA FILTHY ANIMALS!

Panti

I have this friend named Amanda, aka Sea Cow, aka Panti. We met at the ripe old age of 2 and I have loved her ever since.  

We have the same birthday so as kids we were pretty much convinced that we were twins who had been separated at birth…

 

We spent our youth making music videos, playing dress-ups far past a normal age, jumping on a trampoline, and just being all around awkward and terrible looking...

As little girls we had big plans to grow up and marry brothers, move into her aunt’s house with our respective husbands, and teach preschool out of our basement. We didn’t marry brothers, but she married a pretty neat guy named Brandon, who I also love…

 

Into our adult years, she has been there for me through it all and has never once complained when I have spent hours at their house regaling them with my dating horrors…

 

Panti is the best person I know. I wish I could hug her and tell her all of this to her face, but she is all the way in Oklahoma. She is so strong, so positive in the face of trials, kind, thoughtful, and just truly good to the core.  She inspires me to be a better person every single day and I am so lucky to have someone like this in my life!

I love you, Panti! Auauauauauauauauauauaau! It’s a wee-haw!