Think Fast: Get Ready in 10 minutes or less

Guys, I love LC. I love her so, so, sooooo much! If you don’t know who LC is then you should crawl back under your stupid rock with the people who didn’t see Bridesmaids or who didn’t know who The Situation was. I mean I know that not everyone is obsessed with pop culture like me, but get with the program people! LC = Lauren Conrad, star of my 2 most favorite shows of all time: The Hills and Laguna Beach (seasons 1 &2). I read her website and I am not ashamed of that. Today she posted this little guy on getting ready in 10 minutes. I mean absolutely no disrespect to Ms. Conrad, but I had to laugh because I get ready in 10 minutes on a regular basis and I can promise my “roll out of bed” look does not involve cheek stain or pre-planned emergency outfits. I decided to gift you all with a realistic list of go-to items when you wake up late and have to rush to the office…

1. Cushion your time with clothes. By this I mean grab whatever you first see. It can be hanging in the closet, it can be laying on your floor…heck, it can even be in your laundry basket. If it matches then to hell with anything else! Really my only rule is don’t wear the exact same thing 2 days in a row (the exception to that rule is Sunday to Monday. Anything flies on Monday because Sunday was probably a pretty good outfit and none of your coworkers saw you then anyway). The only cautionary item I would advise on is smell. If you are pulling from a crumpled mess, give her a wiff to see if you are going to reek of B.O. all day. If the answer is yes then pick the next, less smelly option.

2. Use your stash of double duty beauty products. The thing about this is that I barely have my single duty beauty products. Even on a normal work day I don’t really do my makeup. Why on earth would I bother on a morning where I don’t have time? I save the real makeup for the fancy things like going to watch a movie with a cute boy, or going to a party with a cute boy, or going to cuddle with a cute boy…basically what I am saying is if a cute boy isn’t involved then eye shadow isn’t involved either. My suggested emergency beauty routine involves the old clumpy mascara in your purse, some chapstick and maybe, just maybe some foundation applied at stop lights.

3. Know your knots. Wait, there are other hair options besides “greasy-sick-bun” when you’re in a rush? Color me surprised!

4. Eat on the go. This actually happens every morning so just carry on as usual.

5. Arrive with grace. Yeah, I don’t really do that. On a good morning my arriving with grace involves wearing my sunglasses until I get inside and sipping on my DC for a minute while I wake up. The bad mornings mean I am probably not taking those same sunnies off until I get to my desk and I probably have 2 cans of DC in my purse along with a donut. I will probably be a real hag to deal with the rest of the day too! As mentioned above, I will likely be in a semi-smelly outfit that is wrinkled and probably has a stain on it somewhere.

I hope you find these tips helpful!

Wait, who?

You guys, I don’t like Nicki Minaj that much. I just don’t. She was in my face, stalking all of America for a solid 4 months before I even knew why I should know who she was. Everyone was all “Nicki Minaj” this “big ass and crazy hair” that, and I was all, “Huh? Who? Why is that lady wearing a leopard print unitard?”. Seriously, she has to have an awesome PR person because we all knew who she was without knowing why we should know who she was. The media tricked us good on that one! Fast forward to the actual release of her singles and all I can say is, Meh. She’s alright and stuff, but I don’t find talking really fast about your butt or whatever particularly fascinating. I have a big butt and no one talks about it! (at least I hope they don’t! I’ll be super sad and self conscious if I find out you guys all really just talk about the size of my butt behind my back! I KNOW I HAVE A SIZABLE BUTT! IT”S GENETIC AND WILL NEVER GO AWAY NO MATTER HOW THIN I GET!!!!!!)

So my feelings about Ms. Minaj brought me to this video. I am sure you have all encountered it by now as it has been showing up on every social media feed 4 times a day for the past 2 weeks. I have a lot of emotions about this video and they can be summed up in one question:

Should I find this adorable, or should I inform DCFS that there are parents out there who are allowing their young and impressionable daughter to learn every lyric to a Nicki Minaj song?



Guys, I am leaning towards the latter.

You guys, I just have no idea why I'm single...

Backseat Judger

Coming at you live from the mom lady's unnecessarily large SUV, complete with weird smell and stickers on the inside of the windows. We are making the trek to the dreaded Utah county to attend a reception for my nearly under age cousin. As we venture further and further into hell, this was the conversation with my 10 year old brother: 

Sam: "How old is Amy?"
Mom: "She's Geoff's age, so she just turned 20"
Sam: .... 
Me: "Stop right there! I don't want to hear it!"
Sam: (snickering)
Me: "I know what you're thinking back there and just don't say it!"
Sam: "WELL YOU'RE 26 AND YOU'RE STILL NOT MARRIED!!!!!" 

You know you've reached a new level of singlehood when the judgement and frustration seeps down from the grandparents and parents to the children. 

Misguided Suggestions

For your reading pleasure, I present to you my family’s quotes on my dating life (all of which have been said within the past 7 days)…
 
“You look nice in that photo, but maybe you should take it off facebook. It could be scaring potential dates off. They might think he’s your boyfriend” – My Mother, in reference to the above photo where my obviously 16 year old brother looks obviously uncomfortable with being on the receiving end of my hug..
 
“I know what your problem is! You are just looking for the hotties and not for the nice guys!” – My 10 year old brother’s epiphany upon hearing that I wasn’t attracted to a guy I had gone out with.
 
“You know, maybe you should put yourself on KSL or something. It worked for Daren!” – My Grandmother, who is clearly a little confused as to the difference between dating sites and sites where you sell your unwanted crap.

Decoys

Since Entertainment Weekly obviously reads my blog and steals my ideas, I am throwing another one out there in case NBC is looking for a new show. This show will require one key element: Chris Hansen. If you have never seen “To Catch a Predator” then I am sorry that you are the most ignorant person alive and you should just stop reading this right now. Honestly, it is the best show to ever grace network television! My dream job would be to be a decoy on “To Catch a Predator”. Unfortunately, the last few years have begun to weather my face a little and I can no longer pass as a 14 year old…not that I ever could! Thanks to my blasted genetics I have been 5’9” since I was in the 8th grade! There is nothing inticing to a pedophile about a 5’9” woman who has been considering botox in her forehead for the past year!

Back to my show: This is kind of a hybrid show that I have come up with. Basically, I will be pirating the concept behind “To Catch a Predator” and putting it in the blender with “Toddlers and Tiaras”. The show will be titled, “To Catch an Unfit Parent”. NBC will put on toddler beauty pageants, complete with decoy toddlers and decoy stage moms. Cameras follow the parents around under the guise that they will be putting them on a show about those tiny, creepy beauty queens. Then, after the parents have been caught giving their 4 year old diet pills and forcing them to go tanning, the beauty pageant’s MC will disappear to stage left to “go change into a bathing suit” and BAM! Chris Hansen will walk out. He will calmly introduce himself, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen with dateline NBC”. Then he will invite the parents to sit down while he interrogates them about their questionable child rearing skills. After a suitable amount of excuses from the parents, all being disproved with emails in Chris Hansen’s hand, he will allow them to leave the auditorium. Then, once outside, DCFS will appear and tackle the unfit parent to the ground and use those plastic ties to restrain them!

Tell me I am not on to something! All I ask is that when NBC steals my “To Catch an Unfit Parent” idea, they allow me to be a decoy parent. My predator decoy days are behind me, but you can still give me this!

This is getting weird...

You guys, it has now been 2 weeks since I told the world of my desires to catch up with my favorite teen heartthrob and I am now more convinced than ever that Entertainment Weekly answered my call/stole my idea.  Would you believe that they posted an interview with Jonathan Taylor Thomas TODAY on his plans to revive his career?!?!?!?!?!? All I am saying is that they should pay me to be their writer/idea person since I clearly initiated the revival of JTT!  You are welcome world!!